It had been a few months, and I knew something had changed. I didn’t want to believe it, I couldn’t bare the thought. I tried to explain his behaviour away, tried to think that perhaps our problems were circumstantial, and that we would soon overcome the rough patch. But it was not to be overcome, when it was my desire alone.
During that time, love songs rang through my mind like a depressed juke box, as if my soul was singing away its blues. I remember one of them being ‘Can’t stay away from you’ by Gloria Estefan, and another was by Vonda Shepherd, ‘Baby, don’t you break my heart slow’. It was strange because I hadn’t even listened to those songs for a long time. But my heart was already crying, because it knew that it was treacherously held.
I listened to those songs, and the lyrics told my story. His love was slipping through my hands, and there was nothing I could do to turn the tide. And even though I feared that it would destroy me for him to say the words – ‘it’s over’, it was the release I needed to survive the long road to heartbreak, which was the path I followed, as I hung on to every possible explanation and hope that we would be together forever.
But the day came, when I couldn’t escape it anymore. In his cowardly manner, he never told me that it was over. I just knew after I realised I had absolutely no impact on him anymore. Not my tears, nor my declarations, nor my begging… I was truly alone. I felt like an abandoned baby, whose mother never came back to pick her up after a day at the crèche. It was scary, and it was horribly painful. I was powerless, and the one I felt I needed was nowhere to be found.
In my bed, I felt my heart break. Seriously! And I thought – at least I hoped – the pain would kill me. But it didn’t. I just wanted to stay there and die and not see the morrow. And again, a new song played in my soul… It was ‘I can’t make you love me, if you don’t‘ by Bonnie Raitt. That night, I cried the tears of a baby, as all my hopes and dreams, which I had placed in him, were lost with him.
In the morning, when I woke, I felt so heavy, as I realised what had happened to me. Before I rose from bed, I asked myself if it was true, and it really had happened. And the answer came starkly – it was true. It was over. We will never be together again. I am going to have to find somebody else… But, I wanted no one else. There was, to me, no more point to life, and I did not want to get out of that bed. That was the way it was every morning for many more months. The devastation was terrible, but I was now free…
I was free to accept reality. There was no more ‘hanging on’, as the rope was truly cut – and I had survived the fall. The experience made me stronger. Though I didn’t get my happy ending, I learnt a lot of lessons that I cherish til this day. I thought that I would never love again, never trust or hope again, but I was wrong. Life does go on. The rain falls and the sun comes up again. Someone has made me laugh again, and I have danced the dance of a liberated soul. And the one thing I will never forget in my life is my potential to love, and that real hearts do break – and heal again.
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