Critical Thinking

I Was Wrong About Kissing Before Marriage

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More than a week ago, I shared my counsel with a lady who was in love with a man, who had told her that he couldn’t move forward with the relationship if kissing was off the table.  My counsel to her, based on my understanding, was that I personally believed kissing is okay before marriage, but that she also needs to pray to God about it, and if and when she would engage in it.

When I initially shared my counsel with her over email, I was glad that it was private, because I knew that a lot of people would challenge that belief – but I was sure that they were wrong, and were simply being religious.  I felt prompted by God to share it publicly on my Reader Questions series, and of course the outcome was a lot of opposition.  I argued my point using – and abusing – scripture.  I took Paul’s reference to giving holy kisses out of context, because it was the only reference to legitimate kissing in the Bible.

One of the things that challenged me most was the discussion I had with my friend, Goke, on the matter.  His perspective is that you can’t give a romantic kiss to someone you are not married to without lusting in your heart.  It seems like a no-brainer, but I was of the mind that lust is something only God, who knows the hearts of all men, can judge.  But the bottom line was not about whether intimate kissing between unmarried people was spoken against in the Bible, but whether it was something God would lead you to do.  Is it wise and is it loving?

I wrote a piece a while back that God has used in helping me to get to this point of admitting my error.  The piece is WISDOM BY ANOTHER NAME, and there I talked about illicit love, that is contrary to the wisdom of God.  Also, the piece I wrote yesterday, which also challenges the whole “do not, touch not” legalism that is existent in Christianity, also challenged my basis for defending kissing between the unmarried.  I have always understood sin to be anything that doesn’t please and glorify God, and here I was trying to define sin by commandments.  So, I wasn’t being sincere.

I said I wasn’t justifying myself because I am already married.  But that was a lie.  I was justifying the counsel I had given to the lady, and so I needed to show that kissing in itself was not the issue, but the motives behind it.  But when you get down to it, the motive behind intimate kissing before marriage can’t be to strengthen the other towards abstinence, but to give place to the flesh.  So, while accusing those saying kissing is a sin of being legalistic, I was actually being legalistic, so as to win an argument.

kissing-before-marriage

So I confess that I was wrong on this issue, and that my advice was wrong, and my defense was insincere.  I’m sorry to all my readers for this.  I am thankful to everyone who challenged me, and all who choose not to engage me in unnecessary debate on this issue.

Part of the challenge for me getting to this point is because I feel strongly that the Puritanical doctrine is burdensome.  I still disagree that hugging, holding hands or pecking, and other sincere expressions of affection that one would do with his or her siblings is immoral to do with someone who is close to you romantically.  This is because I still believe that pre-marital romance isn’t bad, and is holy between believers.  But I crossed the line by saying that mouth to mouth kissing is permissible.

So, to the lady who I gave bad advice to, I would like to correct my counsel to you.  I’m sorry that I was not able to share with you true godly counsel, because of my own reservations on the matter.

You said that you “would never choose him over God by compromising”, so don’t compromise.  Stand by the standard that you know to be true, which is to abstain from sex before marriage, and don’t do anything that would introduce lust into your relationship.  If he still insists on kissing, then you have to accept that he isn’t the one God meant for you.  I know it is hard because you have such strong feelings for him, but trust God that He will bring someone better, who is worthy of you, and ready and able to lead you in this matter, and in marriage.

To everyone else who still believes that some kissing is permissible in romantic relationships between the unmarried, I would say let Wisdom be your Guide.  What is wise is loving, and what is loving is wise.  Also, don’t act selfishly.  Even if you think you can handle it, maybe they can’t – even if they say they can.  Why put a stumbling block in their way?  And of course, Paul’s advice to flee from sexual immorality (1 Cor 6:18-20) is indeed the wisest counsel on this issue.  We all should take heed, both the married and the singles.

Again, my apologies to everyone who I may have misled in defending my stance on this issue.  God knows I am not above sin, and I pray that I will be forgiven by you all.  For what it’s worth, God knew why He wanted me to bring this to the light.  It was for my sake and for others who have held a similar stance in error.  If we can’t change our minds when presented with the truth, then we are not listening, nor are we sincere.  God bless you all.

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Categories: Critical Thinking, Issues of Life, Matters of the Heart, Sex and Sexuality, The Latest, The Realm of The Woman, True Religion

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Published by Ufuomaee

Ufuoma is a Christian Blogger, Humanitarian, Entrepreneur, Podcaster, and Author. She ministers at www.ufuomaee.blog, serves at www.fairlifeafrica.org and works at business.ufuomaee.org. As Ufuomaee, she has written many books and novels, which you can read via books.ufuomaee.org. You can also find and follow her on GoodReads. Listen to her podcasts at https://anchor.fm/ufuomaee and https://anchor.fm/ufuomaeespeaks

47 replies »

  3. “So I confess that I was wrong on this issue, and that my advice was wrong, and my defense was insincere. I’m sorry to all my readers for this. I am thankful to everyone who challenged me, and all who choose not to engage me in unnecessary debate on this issue.”
    —–
    This was amazing, refreshing and a joy to see. Such transparency, openness, honesty and repentance is unfortunately rarely seen in Christian Internet circles, let alone Internet circles in general. Thank you for the ray of sunshine this morning. -kia

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  5. Proud of you, sister! While co-teaching such matters to high school girls, one said that her boyfriend had told her that he needed to masterbate, and she asked my opinion on the matter. The Lord gave for me to advise her to look to Jesus in all things: if it wasn’t something He did or something she was comfortable picturing Him doing, then it was something that shouldn’t be done. Praise God!

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  7. Wow! I’ve been following all your previous posts about this issue and but held myself from debating though i didn’t agree with some of the message you were giving. But this post right here has been the best among all on the issue, the way u’ve humbled yourself, changed your mind and admit that to some extent u were not right has really deeply touched my heart! It takes a humble spirit to do so. It’s been a great blessing following your blog, i’ve learned alot. Thank you and God bless you. ❤

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  10. Thank you. I’ve been battlih wih this myself and soccumbed…in fact I evenbshamefully went steps further , saying as long as it isn’t exactly sex . God has given me grace this time around and by it..I will take this correction

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  11. Kai, kai….this sent shivers down my spine and kept me spell bound for like two seconds. God bless you ma, this something we hardly come by in our world today. Your sincerity is overwhelming. Again, God bless you

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  14. in fact,u really amaze me ,I respect you ma,when I was going thru the first writeup and d comment I was like ”see how mighty people fall’ bcos people were just giving in to it cos that’s what they love to hear in other to fulfill there lustful desire. But i no God must have minister to u on this. Thanks for the correction. personally I appreciate u cos u almost broke my heart then.

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  15. God bless you!
    I’d contact you somehow, one day, by His grace, cos I’ll open my blog one day and I’ll love to be like you and even better (biko help me o)..
    And on behalf of everyone who made harsh comments, especially on Lagos Convo, I apologize(I didn’t comment b4 o! lol). We’re all growing n blessed. I hope you’d share this there as well

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    • Thanks Ose. I posted it the same day I published it here. They just haven’t gotten round to publishing it. Hopefully today. No need to apologise sha, thanks!

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  16. Hmmm. This makes me love you more ma. No one is infallible even Paul opposed Cephas (Act 2:11 – 21) because of what Paul noticed about Peter’s action but the truth is that Peter’s mistake did not reduce his rank as an Apostle but will only challenge him to give heed to himself and his actions. Likewise I see your sincerity and honesty as a step forward. This is a virtue many persons lack, you are truly a blessing and I’ve no regret following your blog. Gracias & Remain blessed

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  17. am on my way to becoming a regular.. I love this piece … being a teacher of the word myself.. have taught the stay away of the motive concept.. nd seeing

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  18. God bless you for your sincerity. No doubt it took a lot to get to this point. However, when you say you are not above sin, are you inferring that sin still has dominion over you? Or were you using term ‘sin’ to mean mistake??

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    • I meant that I still commit sin, as we have all witnessed. And we all can fall into sin, not merely mistakes. There’s no need to deny it. But if we are mature, sinning will not be habitual in our lives. Thanks 🙂

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  20. Wooow! I really liked this I wish all young girls and boys can have a chance to read this!it can change a lot from them as well as preventing them from further mistakes that occur due to the start of what they call simple kissing! I always did not agree with kissing before marriage but I did not clearly why ;but as read this blog I got the message that I really needed right from the begining
    I can say it in my own words” are those act really reinforcing abstience between a boy and girl in a relationship before marriage or instead it is giving place to the desires of the fresh?” I really got the right statement to help young christians who really want to be holly in the eyes of God
    Am really blessed ,may you continue to help people may God expand your doing

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  21. God bless you for that and always go after the truth don’t let false doctrine get into you because to be sincere you will see people that we support that theory with enough Bible references but the Bible says buy the truth and sell it not. The truth shall set you free. Stand firm God bless you

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  22. To err is human,I’m glad you admitted your mistake on the issue, it takes humility for one to admit one’s mistake,cos allowing kissing before marriage in a relationship could result in non abstinence from sex till marriage, which is against God’s standard. Remain Blessed, God strength.

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