Issues of Life

The Marriage ABCs – S for Sex and Sexuality (1)


THE MARRIAGE ABCS

Copyright © Ufuomaee

It’s the subject we can’t avoid.  SEX!  It’s the most talked about subject, yet, it is the most embarrassing and most misunderstood.  A lot of the embarrassment and misunderstanding is to do with those who feel they are in power or control, communicating false messages to those who feel or are made to feel powerless about this thing called sex.  And for a lack of knowledge and understanding, the people perish indeed.

Marriages perish for a lack of knowledge, understanding and wisdom concerning sex.  For most of their lives, people are told to shy away from anything sexual, and given the impression that sex is a bad thing.  If and when they talk about it, they do it secretly…because it is only the bad people who talk about sex openly…so they are told.  And so people are not prepared to deal with sex in their marriage in a healthy way…

There has been some good reason for the scandal and fear that surrounds sex, because sex has been abused for almost as long as it has been practiced.  People have misunderstood sex, and made it a selfish venture, when it was always supposed to be the expression of true love (unselfish) and bonding between a man and his wife.  It has been made into a commodity, a service that can be traded…a bargaining tool and a weapon!  And now, people don’t really know what it is and how to appreciate it.

It’s a bit like the discovery of fire.  Fire has many uses, but it has been feared for as long as it has been known.  Those who use it, use it reverently, respectfully, knowing that the abuse of it would lead to fatal and catastrophic disasters.  But still, man has explored how to control fire and manipulate it for the good of society.  In regards to fire, men have been wise.  But in regards to sex…not so much.

There are laws to everything in nature.  We may know the laws, or we may not, but if we break them, we will suffer the consequences.  Some laws are discovered by trial and error, and passed on through education.  And some laws are hidden until revealed by the Law Giver, and passed on in commandments.  The laws are for the benefit and safety of all people, and not to put a burden on them.  If we understand the purpose of the laws, and we understand that they serve us, we will honour them, and not break nor violate them.

One of the laws of sex, which I would consider the FIRST, is that it is to be enjoyed between the sexes; that is two people of the opposite sex coming together to become one.  Sex is not a gender issue, even though sex informs gender discourses.  Sex is primarily a biological activity, while gender is a social construction, a produce of culture.  Sex is factual.  You are either male or female (with exception to those rare incidences of hermaphrodites, which is an abnormality).

Sex is always and only supposed to be between a person of the male sex and another of the female sex.  Homosexuality and Lesbianism are contrary to human nature and human sexuality (never mind what animals do!).  It doesn’t take God to know this.  Even science tells us that.  Sexual intercourse between two people of the same sex cannot be qualified as legitimate sex, but is a perversion, a rebellion and an abomination.  For me to say this blatantly is not to be homophobic nor hateful, but to be truthful and loving.

Sex serves the biological purpose of procreation and sustenance of the human race.  It is primarily biological.  But it is also social and emotional and a physically enjoyable activity between two people of the opposite sex.  However, there is another law that guides us in how sex should be practiced, and who should engage in it.  It is a spiritual law of love and wisdom.

Sex is meant to be practiced within the confines and safety of a marriage (a committed relationship and covenant between two people of the opposite sex).  This is wise, because when practised this way, the rewards of sex are optimal for those engaged in it, their offspring and the society at large.  It is also loving because, in marriage, sex is a service to each other and not a selfish venture.  It is the giving of yourself to another, wholly, being submitted and vulnerable to each other.  And it enriches the relationship and continually binds the couple together.

Sex is more than a biological activity, more than a physical activity, and even more than an emotional activity.   There is also a spiritual element to sex, which binds those who engage in it, beyond the physical union of their bodies.  Such bonds are usually referred to as soul ties, and used to explain why people may feel drawn or bound to their first sexual partner or past sexual partners.  It can also explain why those with multiple previous sexual partners find it harder to settle and bind with their spouse in marriage.  This is often referred to as “scattered soul syndrome”.

Sexual immorality is an abuse of sex, which defies these laws meant for their legitimate enjoyment.  It is selfish and wicked, and offers no benefit to society.  The Bible tells us to flee from sexual immorality, and attests to the abomination of being joined to someone illegitimately, with the chastisement: “…every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.  What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own?” (1 Cor 6:18-19) and “…what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?  And what concord hath Christ with Belial? or what part hath he that believeth with an infidel?” (2 Cor 6:14-15).

I won’t dwell longer on sexual immorality, but it is important to address it in any discussion on sex.  It is also needful to point out that marriage was made for man, and not man for marriage.  And sex is as to marriage, as the fire is to the fire place.  Within marriage, the practice of sex is safe, enjoyable and beneficial to society, but apart from marriage, it is a scourge.  For “Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge” (Heb 13:4).  It is plain to see that in the absence of sexual immorality, there would be no sexually transmitted diseases, but with the rampant practice of sexual immorality, even marriage has become unsafe…

So, the rest of the discussion on the enjoyment of sex implies that it is practiced within marriage (and that is between a man and a woman in keeping with the first law of sex).  The age of maturity to engage in sex or to give consent to sex differs across states and cultures, and there’s no room for such a discourse here.  We can also safely assume that those who will be engaged in marriage would have entered into the marriage knowledgeably, willingly and lovingly, and are physically mature enough to enjoy sex.

The first thing you need to know is that GOD MADE SEX, so sex is good!  It is meant to be enjoyed, as well as rightly used.  But like every good gift, and every appealing pleasure, sex will always be susceptible to abuse by the ungodly; deviant and immature people.  While sex is meant for marriage, marriage is greater than sex, and so a marriage should never be built on sex, but sex should be enjoyed within marriage, for that is the only avenue for it to be legitimately explored to the glory of God and the good of society.  For more on this, read: HOW IS MY SEX LIFE ANY OF YOUR CONCERN?

So, I’ve been writing story series, and my story series have addressed sex and sexuality, between singles and married alike, touching on issues of life that concern us all.  I’ve become even bolder about writing about sex and sexual experiences, especially in my current series, The Church Girl – The Guardian.  I suspect that some people have been uncomfortable with this.  Fortunately, I overcame any embarrassment I had with sex when I wrote my previous series, Broken.  It was actually while writing it that I realised the need to address this issue of sex, sin and shame in Christianity.

It has been my way of trying to bring sex out of the SHAME closet, where it seems the Church has thrown it.  God made sex for us.  We shouldn’t be embarrassed about it…  We shouldn’t think that it’s for the world and not for us.  We should be reveling in it legitimately, and showing them how it’s done, rather than condemning sex and ‘stealing’ secret pleasures!

One of my readers noticed this change, and recently asked me about it, and wondered if I was not causing people to sin by the sex scenes I painted in my writing.  I will share my response to the reader in this week’s Reader Questions.  But there was another question by a reader that shocked me more.  The lady asked:

Please I want to ask as touching this issue of erection that Ifeanyi is always having. Is it because he’s emotionally attached to Amaka? Or it’s a normal thing for men when they see a lady irrespective of emotional attachment and does it mean the fact that one is a Christian, the issue of the erection can’t be ruled out?, or is it because Ifeanyi lived a rough life? And probably that’s his besetting sin? Ma, I used to think the emotional arousement should only be felt for your spouse. I hope I’m understood and I’ve not muddled up my questions. Thanks.

It makes you wonder what people are being told about sex, that they would think an erection is something Christian men don’t or shouldn’t have, except for their wives.  I replied thus:

An erection is a normal reaction of a healthy male to sexual arousal. It is purely a sexual, and not an emotional response, and happens when he is attracted to a woman, or turned on by a woman or thoughts of a woman. Christian men also have erections, and men usually wake up with erections too. It isn’t a bad thing, it is just that we need to control the outlet for such arousal”.

I think this miseducation or lack of education and appreciation of sex and sexuality among Christians have caused many to think that anything sexual is worldly or sinful.  We need to redeem sex, as the holy, godly expression of love and intimacy that it is.  It seems as though many people feel they can only enjoy sex when it is illegitimate, i.e pre-marital or extra-marital affairs.  To them, that’s sweet sex.

Sex in marriage is seen as boring, dutiful and habitual.  It’s not romantic.  It’s not sensual, freaky or adventurous.  The forbidden fruit is far more promising of pleasure in their eyes…  But this is a deception of the enemy.  To make us treat as despised, what ought to be cherished.  Because the devil hates legitimacy!  He hates goodness and righteousness and justice.  He hates marriage!

This is the Biblical counsel on sex in marriage: “Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth.  Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love” (Prov 5:18).

It doesn’t need to be bad to be sweet.  When it’s good it’s sweet, with no after taste!  It’s liberating and exhilirating.  The Scripture says to always be ravished by your spouse.  Sex isn’t an unholy activity that you should avoid, even if you are fasting.  But if you would rather abstain from it while fasting, to keep your focus, that’s just as good.  But do not deny your spouse because of holiness (1 Cor 7:5)!  It is not holier to have sex less…it is dangerous for your union.  As often as you can, come together sexually.

The challenge with sex being confined to marriage is the issue of sexual compatibility and mutual satisfaction.  That is also an issue that is causing problems for many marriages, and a discourse on sex and sexuality, will not be complete without it.  It is actually a very huge issue, and so I think it would be best to continue with it in PART TWO of The Marriage ABCs – S for Sex and Sexuality.

End of Part One.

Photo credit: http://www.focusonthefamily.com, http://www.pinterest.com

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2 replies »

  1. Thank God for people like u ma’am, i have been following you on this marriage ABCs but have never comments, sex is good and acceptable by God but only for married ones, i pray God to open the eyes of the people who are lusting in sin through sex. More ink to your pen and more of God’s wisdom in education us.Thanks

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