Issues of Life

The Marriage ABCs – S for Sex and Sexuality (2)

THE MARRIAGE ABCS

Copyright © Ufuomaee

naked

Last week, I started on The Marriage ABCs – S for Sex and Sexuality, only to realise that it was a much bigger topic than I had envisioned.  So here is Part Two.

Please note: If you are having great sex in your marriage, or if you are not yet mature enough to consider marriage, this post is not for you.  But those enjoying sexual compatibility in marriage (especially those who waited to marry before having sex) can still read and share any insights 🙂  If you were once sexually incompatible with your spouse, and you are now enjoying good/great sex, we would also love to hear from you!

This post is for those who are married, but are not sexually compatible with their spouse, and want to know how to overcome this.

SCENARIO ONE

So you waited for marriage to have sex with your spouse…and it was not all you imagined nor expected it to be…  Maybe you are not so compatible.  It could be that one wants it more or less than the other, or he doesn’t wait for you before he comes, or she takes too long to get there.  Maybe it hurts during sex, or maybe the ‘little man’ is hard to arouse…  Maybe they are not adventurous enough, or maybe they are too adventurous!

Whatever the issue may be, you were unable to factor all this into play before you said “I do”, because you chose to obey God and wait until marriage to have sex for the first time.  And now, you’re stuck with him or her, to be content and faithful to them for the rest of your life…  You may be wondering if you will ever get past this, and actually start enjoying your sex life…  And perhaps you worry that if they are not satisfied sexually, they will go elsewhere for relief and satisfaction.

SCENARIO TWO

Perhaps one or two of you didn’t wait until marriage to have sex.  Though you were not sexually active together, one or both of you might have been sexually active previously.  And now, sex with your spouse is a let down.  Perhaps you have had better.  Or perhaps you are not compatible in the ways already addressed in Scenario One.

However, you didn’t know you were not compatible, because you actually waited to marry before you had sex.  Now, because you actually have something to compare it to, it may be harder to be content with your current sex life.  It may also be harder to trust your spouse to be faithful to you, when you know they have been promiscuous before and are now dissatisfied sexually with you.  You may worry about your own ability to ever meet up to their expectations, and this is probably affecting your self-esteem and ability to perform or enjoy your time together.

Scenarios one and two present real issues that I think many people face in their marriages.  They need to be addressed sensitively, so that the marriage union will be strong against intruders.  Even if you do not worry about your spouse cheating, perhaps you are worried about your own ability to remain faithful.  As you have less and less sex, due to disappointment, the lack of sexual intimacy between you may pull you apart, and present opportunities for one or both of you to falter.  You need to resist this.

Compatibility is not an exact science, unfortunately.  You can’t know who you will be sexually compatible with, especially if you have been chaste (not kissed) in courtship.  It can be disheartening having to work on your sex life, when you’ve just begun a marriage, and you expected that you would be delirious with happiness.  It can also hurt your pride or self-esteem to know or think that you are unable to satisfy your mate in bed.

If you are single, you might be wondering how you can prevent yourself from experiencing such disappointment, without disobeying God and ‘sampling’ sexually, as your mates may do and encourage you to do.  It is good for you to remain faithful to God and keep yourself for your spouse.  There are other and more important factors in play for you to enjoy a happy marriage, and if you are following God, He will lead you to the right person, with whom you should share not only spiritual and emotional compatibility, but also sexual compatibility.

Remember, marriage is more than sex, so do not, for fear of sexual incompatibility, sabotage your union by disobeying God.  Trust Him!  His way is best.

If you are struggling with sexual compatibility in your marriage, there are a number of things you should do to resolve this.

  1.  Admit it to yourself.  Before you can solve any problem, you have to admit that there is a problem to solve.  Denial will not make the problem go away.  Fear of confrontation will not resolve the issue either.  The truth will set you free, so admit it, and then pray for God to help you to work it out and bless your marriage with sexual compatibility;
  2. Bring it up sensitively with your mate.  Now you have admitted it to yourself, it’s time to do something about it.  It begins with you being honest with your spouse.  They may not actually know that you are unfulfilled sexually.  They may be trying hard to please you, and not even know that all their dramatics is a turn off…  The problem might be easily resolved with an honest, but sensitive confrontation that is not accusatory.  Perhaps you can start by asking them about their sexual satisfaction…rather than telling them outright that you are unhappy.  Then after they have answered (hopefully, they will be honest and not try to say what they think you want to hear), you can now say how you feel, while appreciating the efforts they make to please you.
  3. Talk about sex and what pleases you openly.  Now that it is out in the open that you have an ‘issue’, it is time to talk honestly about how you can work on it together.  Sexual compatibility is not ONE person’s fault or problem.  It is a shared problem, and unless it is a biological factor (e.g erectile dysfunction), the fault lies with both of you – if you must lay blame!   It is good to start with the positives before going into the negatives.  Maybe s/he is a good kisser.  Maybe you appreciate the time they take in foreplay.  Maybe you like the way they look into your eyes and call your name or pet name.  Talk about what you appreciate, then you can talk about what you would like MORE of.  As much as you can, be positive in your approach.  Nothing inspires more than praise.  Finally, you can talk about what you would like less of.  Also ask them, and listen to their criticisms/perspective.  Most of all, try not to take offense.  It is not a competition nor a personal attack.  You’re a team, and if you get it right, you’ll soon be singing each other’s praises…  So work together!
  4. Make more effort and time to be intimate with each other sexually.  Now that you have confronted the elephant in the room, don’t leave it there!  You need to actively work on getting it out!  Don’t be discouraged by the feedback you received.  Take everything to God in prayer.  Pay more attention to your spouse and look for opportunities for you to put to practice the things you discussed.  Experiment with positions.  You can introduce chocolate or mousse or other foods that might help in foreplay.  Take note of what works, and what excites your spouse and build on that knowledge.  Don’t be shy to guide your spouse when in bed together, but try not to be bossy (unless they say they like it).  Afterwards, you should talk about how it went.  Try to be romantic and playful with it, not like you are marking him/her after a test!  Spend time cuddling after. [inlinetweet prefix=”#GraceandTruth @UfuomaeeA” tweeter=”UfuomaeeA” suffix=””]The trick is to DEVELOP intimacy, rather than trying to be skillful sexually.  Intimacy changes everything, because great sex is more a mental and emotional accomplishment than it is physical.[/inlinetweet]
  5. Practice other forms of intimacy, to stimulate you towards sexual intimacy (Read I for Intimacy).  Foreplay is not limited to SEX TIME.  Foreplay can start well before you get to the bedroom, by the intimacy you show each other.  You can touch and kiss often.  Talk sweetly to each other.  Or dirty…  Dress sexy and tease each other.  Spend time with each other doing other things besides sex, that will increase your general intimacy.  And then, when you get to the bedroom, invest in some more foreplay time.  Try not to rush into penetration, so that the wife is well NATURALLY lubricated, and so more likely to enjoy sex.  And of course, the wife needs to stimulate her husband so that he remains hard (if that is a challenge).
  6. Consider professional or medical consultation and treatment.  If things don’t seem to be improving, or the pace seems painfully slow, it could be time to get some external assistance.  You need to be sensitive about bringing this up with your spouse, because of bruised egos.  Low self-esteem is a killer to a happy sex-life.  However, when you are desperate, you’ve got to do what desperate people do and get help before it is too late!  Do some research and bring your findings to your spouse.  Discuss the options together.  If there is a pill you can take to improve your performance, don’t be too proud to do so.  If you need a lubricant to get things going, don’t be too shy about adding this either.  It’s probably best to try some natural remedies before going for drugs.  It may be that, as your self-esteem improves from past successful sessions, you will actually lose your reliance on these things that aided you to get your first/previous orgasm/s.  A professional will be able to guide you better, so seek professional advice!
  7. Look after yourself, and make yourself more attractive to your mate.  Don’t stop looking after yourself or trying to look appealing to your spouse.  If they are being negative, pray for them, and encourage them to persist in working on it together.  Eat healthy.  Work out.  Dress attractively.  Groom yourself.  Let them know that you are still and always available sexually.  Sometimes, these things that we do to make ourselves more attractive to the opposite sex, also make us more horny (as we begin to feel sexy).  So, if the problem is that you desire sex less than your spouse, then make more effort in this area, so that when you start to feel and think you are sexy, you will be horny for sex!  Sometimes, the problem is just in the mind!
  8. Lower your expectations.  It can be hard when your expectations keep getting dashed.  It could be that your expectations are too high or unrealistic.  Especially if you have experimented sexually before marriage.  It may help to lower your expectations to something more attainable.  Maybe you can manage with sex three times, instead of five times a week.  Maybe if you are not able to come with penal penetration all the time, you can substitute for his finger now and then.  The point is to lower your expectations so that you can get more positive results, and then hopefully bring them up again.  The point is not to become defeated and give up.  Where there is a will, there is a way, so keep trying.
  9. Appreciate your time together sexually.  Even if you don’t come all the time, or most of the time, appreciate your sexual intimacy.  It is common for men to come every time, while women may not always climax during sex.  Be happy for him, and don’t dampen his climax by grumbling.  Appreciate the time you spend touching and kissing and fondling, and keep doing those things.  Do not begin to despair, and distance yourself.  You’ve got a lot more going for you than sex.
  10. Persist in your efforts and keep praying.  You can see it this way, if you give up.  That’s it.  You lose.  You both lose, and resign yourself to being miserable.  The only way to win is to keep trying.  You can take a break from the pressure for a while, but don’t let it be too long.  Talk to God about it, and build your faith in Him.  Keep being kind and affectionate with your spouse, and keep making yourself available.  Keep working on your intimacy.  With genuine love, true intimacy, persistence, professional help and prayer, you can’t lose.  Trust God!

You are the one in the marriage, and only you knows how bad your situation is.  I hope my advice will help you, and if you feel you need professional intervention, don’t be shy to seek such help!  It is worth it to have a happy sex life.  But what you don’t want to do is lose your faith in the process…

Whatever happens, your faith is your greatest treasure, and so don’t give up your faith in God, and don’t step out on your marriage.  That won’t help anybody.  It will only make a hard situation harder or even impossible!

As tough as it maybe, you may need to prepare yourself for getting by or managing your sexual incompatibility.  There are worse things that have happened to couples.  You signed up for better or for worse.  All I can say is remain hopeful that it will get better, and keep up your spiritual, emotional, intellectual and physical intimacy.  It will get better as your intimacy grows.

For the singles.  Again, I would say WAIT on the Lord.  Don’t sample.  You could have great sexual compatibility with someone who doesn’t fear the Lord, and have a horrendous marriage!  But even if you do find that you need to work on your sexual compatibility, it can also be exciting discovering your sexuality with your spouse!  You will be teaching and learning from each other, and growing together, and thrilling each other as you become more sexually in tune.  It does happen.  And it will be worth the wait.

Photo credit: http://www.focusonthefamily.com, http://www.pinterest.com

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