I’m not over it…

It’s amazing how something traumatic happens in your life, and you’re just supposed to get over it. Everyone hastens you to keep it moving. Get up, wash up, and keep it moving.

I’ve been listening to motivational messages on YouTube lately, and mehn, I’ve been challenged, and I am motivated. I am inspired. But then… There’s this common thread in the messages, which I suppose is essential to their being encouraging; the assumption that what happened was meant to be… “It was to make you better…” “They left your life for a reason.” “God has something better for you…”

You get me?

This way, you do not actually reflect or dwell on the issues and consider where exactly you went wrong…if you were actually at fault to some lesser or greater degree. You are not encouraged to ponder how it could have been corrected or saved…or even if it could still be. It is easy to go with the flow and say, yes, it’s the past, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I can only change what I do going forward…

But I’m a little stuck.

I think it’s a combination of the kind of person I am, and my faith. I know, and I need no medical diagnosis, that I am neurotic. I think things to death. It is a flaw. It often stalls me, makes me second-guess myself a lot. And when it comes to my faith, I also want to be right…to be right with God. To know that, truly, I did everything I could. And honestly, I have nagging doubt.

I know I wasn’t perfect. I know I wasn’t easy to live with. My neurosis being a chief challenge for anyone to manage. But from all the messages I’ve been listening to, another truth has surfaced.

I am not disciplined.

I like to think I am. In some areas, especially in things that I enjoy doing or that come naturally to me, I appear disciplined. But for the most part, I’ve gotten used to giving myself a break (part of my appreciation of my neurotic tendency to give myself a hard time… It’s quite a paradox). Because I know if I let myself, I would destroy myself with self-criticism, I short-circuit the process of critical analysis by cutting myself some slack… And what has happened is that I have become very undisciplined in certain areas.

And no doubt, that would have been a factor in the breakdown of my marriage. In the breakdown of some of my relationships. In my lack of achievement in other things I’ve strived to do. And I know that needs to change.

So, I’m not over it. I’m still trying to process it, and I still ask myself over and over if I saw things clearly, if I judged things rightly, if the outcome could have been better…if I’d been disciplined enough to put in more effort.

I’m still healing…because I needed and I need the space to heal my mind that has been severely affected, so that I can fully recover my sense of sanity. I am making the efforts to change myself, my thoughts, my actions, and my life…

As a minister of the gospel, the least I can do is to ensure that I do all I can to live at peace with all men, especially with myself.

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