A Different Perspective

I’m Not Over It…


I’m not over it…

It’s amazing how something traumatic happens in your life, and you’re just supposed to get over it. Everyone hastens you to keep it moving. Get up, wash up, and keep it moving.

I’ve been listening to motivational messages on YouTube lately, and mehn, I’ve been challenged, and I am motivated. I am inspired. But then… There’s this common thread in the messages, which I suppose is essential to their being encouraging; the assumption that what happened was meant to be… “It was to make you better…” “They left your life for a reason.” “God has something better for you…”

You get me?

This way, you do not actually reflect or dwell on the issues and consider where exactly you went wrong…if you were actually at fault to some lesser or greater degree. You are not encouraged to ponder how it could have been corrected or saved…or even if it could still be. It is easy to go with the flow and say, yes, it’s the past, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I can only change what I do going forward…

But I’m a little stuck.

I think it’s a combination of the kind of person I am, and my faith. I know, and I need no medical diagnosis, that I am neurotic. I think things to death. It is a flaw. It often stalls me, makes me second-guess myself a lot. And when it comes to my faith, I also want to be right…to be right with God. To know that, truly, I did everything I could. And honestly, I have nagging doubt.

I know I wasn’t perfect. I know I wasn’t easy to live with. My neurosis being a chief challenge for anyone to manage. But from all the messages I’ve been listening to, another truth has surfaced.

I am not disciplined.

I like to think I am. In some areas, especially in things that I enjoy doing or that come naturally to me, I appear disciplined. But for the most part, I’ve gotten used to giving myself a break (part of my appreciation of my neurotic tendency to give myself a hard time… It’s quite a paradox). Because I know if I let myself, I would destroy myself with self-criticism, I short-circuit the process of critical analysis by cutting myself some slack… And what has happened is that I have become very undisciplined in certain areas.

And no doubt, that would have been a factor in the breakdown of my marriage. In the breakdown of some of my relationships. In my lack of achievement in other things I’ve strived to do. And I know that needs to change.

So, I’m not over it. I’m still trying to process it, and I still ask myself over and over if I saw things clearly, if I judged things rightly, if the outcome could have been better…if I’d been disciplined enough to put in more effort.

I’m still healing…because I needed and I need the space to heal my mind that has been severely affected, so that I can fully recover my sense of sanity. I am making the efforts to change myself, my thoughts, my actions, and my life…

As a minister of the gospel, the least I can do is to ensure that I do all I can to live at peace with all men, especially with myself.

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8 replies »

  1. Try not to be too hard on yourself. If we can’t change the past, we should at least be happy in the present as the future begins to unfold.
    Not easy to do, but we can count on God’s abounding grace towards us.
    All of us have flaws we live with daily. But it is a good thing that we are able to recognise them as such because what we don’t acknowledge, we can’t change.
    When it comes to healing for our hurts, God is always equal to the task if we let Him. But we should not be surprised when He begins to work in us in ways we least expect. Blessings.

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  2. Relationships issues can leave us heart broken and keep us fixated on our flaws. It is good to reflect on what we could have done differently and explore opportunities for growth. But we must partner with God and embrace his grace for our shortcomings. Thank you for this post and your transparency. Grace, peace, and hugs 💕

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  3. Indeed we always rush the process which just makes it longer because it is a PROCESS!!! not MAGIC

    Sometimes the best form of encouragement, could just be saying cry, mourn but don’t do it like someone without hope….

    Thank you so much Ufuomaee for this, very timely. May you continue to enjoy divine inspiration

    🥂

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  4. Thanks, dear for another great piece. I’m sorry to hear about your challenges but can’t help to mention how incredibly proud of you I am because of your fearless disposition to challenges and never seeming to take shortcuts🔥👏.
    Seems like your flaws (neuroticism and discipline) can’t work against you if your underlining intentions are working hard to be right with God. It gives me the confidence to believe that whatever path your journey takes you, you will have the company of the Almighty and in the end, it will all be ok 👍
    May the peace, wisdom, and love of God be with you always. Amin❤️

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