Trauma, which is often a consequence of abuse, destroys legitimacy in the mind of the traumatised. It is a paralysing agent that makes what should be admirable, desireable, and natural to become scary, offensive, and dangerous in the eyes of the abused.

It is not the will of God that we should go through abuse and be hindered by trauma, but it is the consequence of a world consumed with wickedness that abuse is rife.

Jesus said, “It is impossible but that offences will come: but woe unto him, through whom they come…” (Luke 17:1)

The Bible tells us that “Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty,” (2 Corinthians 3:17). That is our portion as children of God, to walk in liberty. As much as it is up to us, we should live in peace with everyone (Romans 12:18).

Where love is, there is liberty. Where righteousness abides, there is liberty. In any healthy relationship, there ought to be liberty to be yourself, and sometimes, you make mistakes. And where there is sincere love, you make amends, receive forgiveness, and reconcile. This is the liberty of a natural, loving relationship, not a perfect relationship, because there is no such thing.

I believe it was in light of this understanding that our Lord went on to say, “Take heed to yourselves: If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him, and if he repent, forgive him. And if he trespass against thee seven times in a day, and seven times in a day turn again, saying, I repent, thou shalt forgive him…” (verses 3-4).

This begs the question, if he doesn’t say he repents (apologises) does that mean one ought not to forgive him? The way Jesus speaks here, our forgiveness seems to be conditional on the offender repenting of his action, even though he continues to offend, each time. It makes one wonder; is this an advice on abiding with an abuser? I would say no.

Abusers usually do not repent the day they offend, except maybe in the case of domestic violence, when they come to after assaulting their spouse and begin to apologise and promise not to repeat it. Even these violent men (or women) often harden to the point that they stop and refuse to apologise; maybe because they know they WILL do it again or have justified their behaviour to themselves.

The truth is we cannot be free when we walk in fear of stumbling, and we cannot be in liberty when we walk in fear of being abused. Some hurt in relationships is to be expected, but it is my opinion that abuse must not be tolerated. Abuse is what happens when someone becomes insincere and legalistic, taking an exception and making it the norm, so as to take advantage of the vulnerability and sincerity of others. So, abusers expect that they MUST be forgiven, endured, and abided with, whether or not they repent.

I see an abuser as not a friend or brother, but as an enemy. Jesus’ counsel for dealing with enemies is found in Matthew 5. He said, “Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; that ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for He maketh His sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and the unjust,” (verses 44-45).

Clearly, this isn’t a teaching to retaliate or hold unforgiveness in our hearts, for we surely can’t love, bless, do good to, or pray for anyone whom we harbour bitterness towards. Forgiveness is an exercise of our duty to self, to keep ourselves holy and clean, so we can continue to walk in love and liberty with all men. So, though they do not repent, we forgive them and wish them well, but we may not ABIDE with them.

It is not everyone we abide with, and certainly, we cannot abide with someone who seeks our hurt continually.

Now the trauma is the residue of our experience with abuse. Though we forgive, it doesn’t change what we remember, it doesn’t change what is broken, or the hopes or dreams that were lost. The trap is the fear of experiencing such hurt and disappointment again by allowing overselves to trust others with similar powers and be vulnerable to them (whether in need of their love or leadership).

We are not able to walk in liberty when we hold on to trauma. The question is, how do we let go of trauma so that we are able to experience wholesome relationships, the way God intended.

I think we first need to acknowledge our trauma; identify it, confront it, and address the limitations we place on ourselves and others because of it. Being conscious of it prevents it from controlling us subconsciously, which it will continue to do if we do not address it.

Then we need an understanding of what a wholesome relationship is. This is an education on LEGITIMACY. What is right and true, what is necessary for diverse types of relationships? This way, we prepare ourselves to make the decision to “submit ourselves in love,” knowing that this is legitimate behaviour among Christians in fellowship. We know and accept our responsibility and duties, and we recognise and appreciate those of others we are in relationship with.

We would also need an understanding of abuse and the courage to call it out rather than close up or run away, which trauma would have us do. This way, not every offence is seen as abuse or an attack. We have to ACCEPT that offenses will come and be willing to forgive and reconcile, while still recognising that ABUSE is also a possibility for those who are insincere and wicked. The traumatised tend to see abuse everywhere and are not able to submit with the vulnerability those who have experienced true love and genuine fellowship do.

Finally, understand that this process of healing will take time and will take God. Without an allowance of time and a provision of therapy or counselling, you may continually live under trauma rather than overcoming it. As you purify your mind with the truth that there are legitimate, joyful relationships, and you too can enjoy such, and as you pray for God to heal the hurt and lead you in wisdom to the right people, you will begin to exercise your liberty to trust, to be gracious, and to submit in love, which is the most freeing and satisfying experience.

Are you traumatised? God is inviting you to enjoy the liberty and the victory that is found in Him alone. Though you might feel far from God, hear Him: “The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; He delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit,” (Psalm 34: 17-18).

Call out to God, confess your brokenness, and cast your cares at His feet. Do not let the fear of being hurt hinder you from the joy of being loved. God has a better plan for you.

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