Issues of Life

Reader Questions: Help! I’m torn between two men. How do I choose?

Dear Ufuomaee,


I’m really confused here as to what to do.. I hav a bf who i’v been dating for like a year plus nw…I love him bt I dnt knw if I want to marry him. I met another guy recently who i’v fallen in love with too(i tink) nd it didnt make me love my bf less… I’m still a virgin and havnt slept wit any other of dem yet. My bf asked one nd I said no nd he has neva asked again and said be wouldn’t. This knew guy knws I have a bf but still wants me. I’m even considering letting the two of dem go nd focusing on God,myself nd wats important for nw…but I dunno,wat if one of dem is my soulmate(do u believe in soulmate)? What do you advise ma’am?

Dear Reader,

There are quite a few gaps in your account, which means that I can’t really give you the best counsel.  One of the things is that I don’t know how old you are, which is important when you are talking about sex and marriage.  You do sound young though (late teens to early twenties), and you sound like you are not sure of yourself or what you really want from life.  The key to finding the right mate is to discovering who you are.  Read my post on The Marriage ABCs – P for Passion, Purpose and Prosperity.

And yes, I believe in the concept of soulmates, but I don’t believe there is only ONE of such person in the whole world during one’s lifetime.  I believe they are rare, and they are the kind of friends that make for best friends.  Soul mates are known through time and shared experience.  They may not always be of the opposite sex either, e.g I believe David and Jonathan were soulmates.

I also don’t think it is a love at first sight thing.  As you discover more about yourselves, your compatibility, goals and ambitions, you will be able to tell if someone is your soulmate (i.e. a candidate for the role of your life partner).  You might also like to read Leader and Follower – A Match Made In Heaven.

I think God is merciful, so that we can each expect to meet one of our soulmates in our lifetime!  But we need wisdom, grace and discernment to identify them when they enter our lives.  If we are lucky (or perhaps strangely unfortunate) we may meet two of our soulmates within the same period (but this is uncommon).  We would be lucky in that there are TWO worthy candidates for our devotion, but unfortunate in that, it will be a hard choice to make, and perhaps, we might make the mistake of losing both due to our indecision!  However, I think it is highly unlikely that we would meet three or more soulmates in our lifetime, even at different times.

I doubt that you have met your match in either of these two men, but if you think so, let’s talk some more.  Tell me more about them and yourself.  I think it is concerning that your boyfriend is asking you for sex before marriage (are you both Believers?)  Remember that it is unwise to date an unbeliever, because they would cause you to compromise spiritually (2 Cor 6:14-18).  I also think it is concerning that this other man is trying to be your boyfriend, even though you are already in a relationship.  Such is not a foundation of trust, which is essential for every solid relationship.

You need to follow wisdom on this, and not your feelings.  You need your spiritual eyes to discern if either one of them is walking in wisdom too.  I would support the move to forsake both, and grow in your relationship and knowledge of God, which will certainly help you to be more discerning of the right man when he does come into your life.

The truth is, if you do not know yourself, your identify in Christ and have a real intimacy with God, anyone who makes you smile might be confused for THE ONE, especially when there are few of those!  And yes, you can fall in love with someone who isn’t your soulmate, and live happily ever after too…so I wouldn’t be so hung up on the concept of soulmates.  But it isn’t everyone you fall for that you should marry, which is why you should be careful who you date!  These are a few other things you ought to look for in your life partner:

  1. Self Knowledge – How well do they know themselves?  Are they mature?  Emotionally as well as physically?
  2. Spiritual Insight – Are they born of the Spirit?  Are they mature spiritually or new babes in Christ?  Do they hunger and thirst for righteousness?
  3. General Intelligence – Are they knowledgeable of the world or ignorant/naive?  Are they wise, creative, resourceful?  Do they have a plan for their lives and future?  Do you respect them?
  4. Compatibility – How well do you fit into their plan?  How well do they fit into your plan?  Are either of you willing to compromise or is only one person sacrificial?  All things being equal, do you like each other?  Are you good friends?
  5. Love – Using the definition in 1 Corinthians 13, are they loving?  Are they considerate of you and others?  Are they attentive to your needs?  Do you feel adored or like you are competing with their other passions?

If you are looking for your soulmate, such a person will connect with your PASSION and PURPOSE, so be sure to discover these first, and begin on the road to fulfilling purpose, and you will meet them along the way.  There is really no need of sampling in relationships by dating casually, as a Believer.  You will become confused as your emotions get the better of you.  Walk in wisdom, walk with God, and your eyes will be opened, PLUS the Lord, who is your great reward, will grant you favour in love.  This is a walk of faith.  Trust Him.

Sincerely, Ufuoma.

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