Matters of the Heart

Unlucky In Love or Dodging Bullets?

At some point in your life, when you realise that time is passing you by, and you are yet to meet the one you’d like to share your life with, you might start to wonder what has gone wrong… I mean, isn’t there someone for everyone? And if not everyone, who are the losers, and how do they end up losers in love? Are you really ‘unlucky in love’ or could it be that you’ve just been dodging bullets all along?

I think it would be really simplistic to settle on one or the other. As appealing as it may be to think you’ve been dodging bullets the whole time, and that in fact, Mr Right (or Little Miss Sunshine) is still on his (or her) way – just a little delayed – it is perhaps a little arrogant, and probably delusional too. Your ‘I can’t stand for rubbish’ attitude, as necessary as it may have been, could have meant that Mr Right never did make the cut!

On the other hand, dwelling on ‘poor me’s and thinking the universe is out to get you because you haven’t met a good match yet, is just sad and pathetic. A defeatist attitude or victim mentality makes you less attractive, and also less able to see a good thing when it is happening to you. Ultimately, both options deny your own agency in the whole selection process, and give the impression that you had nothing to do with the outcome of any of your past relationships. Even if they have all been losers, and everybody knows how hard you tried – you still keep picking the losers!! Doesn’t that say something about you?

Looking inwardly, a new option surfaces. Though troubling, it brings a level of clarity for me. That is the option of self-sabotage. Yes, self-sabotage! I think few people settle for that option as the reason, but it is probably more true for most mature singles. Self-sabotage is borne from fear (of rejection, of commitment, of abuse etc), which leads such a person to pre-empt the end of their relationships, and bring about the imminent destruction they foresaw! It can also be as a result of lack of self-knowledge or wisdom. This person doesn’t know who they are or what they want, and doesn’t learn from the past, so they make the same mistakes over and over, expecting a different outcome.

You might say, ‘I’m not like that at all, I know what I want, that’s why I won’t settle for nonsense’. Ok, well, if you know what you’re looking for, are your feet walking where your mind is going? If you know who you are, are you sure you’re going to find the one you’re seeking in that place that you like to frequent for thrills, or go to fit in with your mates, but always feel like you don’t know what you’re doing there? No sane person goes fishing in the jungle…but if you go there, you might just come across a few snakes!

Are you doing things you know are wrong, because you don’t have the patience to follow due process or wait on God? Are you living consciously, or just existing where you are, following trends and driven by your emotions and/or hormones? You’ve got to realise you’ve got issues, and your mate will have issues…but before you can find him or her, you’ve got to find you! Nobody will make you complete. If you’re a miserable wreck alone, you’ll be a miserable wreck in a relationship too.

If you’re unsure if any of these apply to you, maybe the real answer is you’re not ready for love, not that you’re unlucky. If you’re not ready, then you shouldn’t play with it, because you’ll get hurt, and hurt the one/s you’re playing with. This doesn’t mean you should revert to fear; fear solves nothing. It also doesn’t mean you should become wholly involved in ‘improving yourself’ – there’s a thin line between love and hate. Simply consider the possibility that what you need right now will not come from the ‘right’ man or woman, but from you being in the right place and doing the right thing.

You need to start living consciously! Explore who you are, and don’t be afraid of what you might find. In fact, you’ll probably find it an exhilarating experience and develop a healthy self-contentment. You may see things you’d like to change, and others that you’d like to keep or develop. No one is more alive and attractive than the one who knows his/her purpose. This is a challenge to live purposefully, and do something worthwhile. Just when you’re not looking – but when you’re ready – love will find you!

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