Issues of Life

Reader Questions: He’s married, but he says he loves me. I’m so confused. What do I do?

“Good afternoon, thanks for replying. Saw ur post “he is not psychopathic, he just doesn’t love you”. I experienced such few years ago but i thank God i was able to stand and work out of the relationship though it wasn’t easy at all…

However the situation of thing around me now is the dilemma am talking about. Am working in a private company of which the CEO is was my close friend, i mean we were into a Godly relationship before things turn the other way round. He slept with a lady and she claims she was pregnant though not so sure if he was responsible for d baby but so far he did it once he couldn’t deny it. He told me he would only take his baby but i insisted that he would marry the lady since the lady was very desperate to marry him then and she even went extra miles to make the guy change his decision, maybe what she did had an effect on me too, that was why i insisted he must take d lady and the baby, u understand what i mean by that???

So i let go of the relationship and we hardly talk or see each other again. It was after 3years that i started working with him again and we were getting more closer again so i decided to be closer to his wife to so that she would be convinced that i don’t have anything to do with her hubby. After some months i realize that my boss as been in the worstest marriage ever thought they didn’t get married, this lady as turned to something else, my boss will cry whenever he is talking to me, accusing me of not taking my stand then, that have allowed temptation to overcome us, i always feel depress and feel for him too because he is not a guy that deserve such lady.  He is a devoted christian and we were able to maintain a Godly relationship for over 2years then.

My dear, it is worst to the extent that this guy had a call and he is ready to obey and do the work of God but his so called wife said she can never support him because she doesn’t have time for that and not ready to be a pastor’s wife, she is really affecting his spiritual life negatively. Now d issue on ground now is that my boss wants me back, he wants to marry me for real, he is very serious about it. I don’t know what to do, i still love him, am not happy whenever i see his wife hurt him, i always want him to be happy,but its only when he is with me that he does that, we talk together, read the bible, pray , gist and enlightened each other.

His wife doesn’t have time for that she nags and quarrel on any little thing. Have tried to talk to him but he refused to change his decision on marrying me and he is making it obvious to the extent that his wife called me and abusing me on phone, she even threatened to beat me the day we met in the bank.

My dear am worried, i don’t know what to do, thought of quitting the job came to my mind but i don’t know when i would get another one with the situations of things in naija. Am just an OND graduate, and this guy as been helping me even before i gained admission. I don’t have anyone else that can take care of my responsibilities like he does, and am also taking care of some responsibilities at home too.

He has even decided we leave d country, but i told him i cant do that, even my family will not take that especially my mum. I want to have my own man too, i don’t want a polygamous home because i know the consequences….but this guy keeps telling he has gotten the confirmation from God to go ahead… Like seriously, am confused.

Dear Reader,

Thanks for sharing your story with me.

I think you know what the right thing to do is.  The right thing to do is what you have done all along, which is to send that man on his way!  Now, you’re allowing him to tempt you and to weaken your resolve so that you can enter a pitiful marriage with him?!  Don’t do it.

You need to cut this man off.  He doesn’t love you and he doesn’t love his wife.  He is deceived and he is selfish.  Whatever is going on in his marriage has nothing to do with you, so don’t get involved and don’t let yourself be named in his marriage.

He didn’t have to marry his wife, but he did.  Now he has laid his bed, he has to lie in it.  His only duty here is to love his wife, just like Christ loved the Church.  However bad she is, he must love her.  If he can’t do that, why do you think he would love you?  He isn’t even being obedient to God in his marriage, and he wants to become a Pastor?  The scripture says that a Pastor should be a man with ONE wife, who is able to keep his home.

Please run from this man and don’t let him taint your future.  I know you feel bad for him, and you have feelings for him, but you have to do what is right for your own salvation, sanity and future!  Jesus says that if your right hand causes you to sin, pluck it off.  This is a case of cutting him off.  No matter how much you think you need him, do away with him before he corrupts your soul and destroys your life!  Believe me, if you obey God, He will make provision for you elsewhere.

I hope I have been clear in my response.  Stand on the truth.  Love honours God, and this man’s love for you does not.

I wish you all the best!

Sincerely, Ufuoma.

PS: When I first responded, I overlooked the reference you made, saying “they didn’t get married”.  You spoke of ‘his wife’ severally, and of ‘his marriage’, which was confusing, but if they didn’t get married, then he is not married.  But I think my counsel to avoid him is still valid.  Also, if he is in a sexual relationship with this woman, and he is claiming that they never got married, then you really ought to question his sincerity as a Believer!  He is unstable, and your past together will always cloud your judgment concerning him.  I think this is a case of forsaking him and leaving him to God, not just for your sake, but for his too.  You both deserve a blank slate.  

*The lady later confirmed that the man is not married, but has been living as married with this other woman, and they have more children since the first child.  If you have any additional insight, I’m sure she would love to hear from you.  Thank you.

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7 replies »

  1. it may sound scary especially if we as men propase to a woman when am already married. but in actually sense in the world that we live in today its hard to find someone who is single so i suggest giving it a try might be a fit cos yiu never know maybe am married but unhappy


  2. Definitely end the relationship get a new job and no contact at all. I heard this saying many years ago, ‘If am man will cheat on his wife with you, he will cheat on you too’. It is an unstable relationship and is bad enough when he is cheating on his wife with a woman who is unaware of him being married. If how ever you you know he is married then you too are responsible. End a relationship before getting into another while still involved.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Aunty Ufomaee, you’re so blunt.
    Just dishing out the truth to the Lady as e dey hot.
    I completely agree with your response. I know this bitter truth pill will not be easy for the lady to swallow but God and time heals all wounds and God will make us beautiful for our time when we will meet our own husband .

    Liked by 1 person

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