Issues of Life

Reader Questions: I was raped twice, and I think it is affecting my self esteem. Any advice?

“Pls ma. I was raped twice and i think this is affecting my self esteem. So now d thing is that i met a guy i so much loved but he want to have sex with me but i said no to him and he kept asking me if am a virgin since am not y saying no. I don’t know what to do d emotion is so tick that i cant let go. I prayed to God to take d feelings away by bringing someone else. Now d feelings is dying and another guy is staring at me to death. I dont know what to do becus am fallin for this new guy but he don’t say anytin to me. I just want to be normal as i used to be but its not working. Anytime i saw him my heart skip n if i don’t see him i will be looking out for him. What should i do ma?”

Dear Reader,

I’m so sorry to read about your situation and to learn that you were raped twice.  Are the incidents of rape recent?  Also do you mind if I ask how old you are?

(Reader responded that there had in fact been three incidents of rape when she was 4, 19 and 21 years old.  She will be 27 years old later this year.)

Ok, so if I am following you… You have been raped three times, and your last boyfriend was trying to pressure you to have sex, because you weren’t able to say you were a virgin?

Well… I think you should not continue a relationship with anyone who is pressuring you about sex.  You don’t even need to confide in him about the fact that you were raped, because he hasn’t proven his worthiness, and who knows if he will not take advantage of your vulnerability.

Regarding your emotions…please don’t trust them right now.  I know you are of age to find a mate, but if you are getting hot and bothered over every guy that comes your way, you will not be led by God, but by your flesh.

Maybe you need some refocusing.  Pray and agree with God that you will devote a certain amount of time to Him, and use that time to fast and pray and draw closer to GOD.  Let God be your boyfriend.

Delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.  You need to fix your eyes on Jesus and learn from Him.  Then you will be able to trust Him and wait on Him and follow His lead, when it’s time to enter a romantic relationship.  You need to be patient and learn to discern God’s voice by being more sensitive to the spirit.

The man that is right for you won’t ask you for sex before marriage.  You may confide in him, when your relationship is deeper, so that he knows about your past.  But I don’t believe any genuine man of God will shun you because of what you have suffered in the past.  Accept yourself and be true to yourself, and the man who loves you will love you scars, flaws and all!

I also think you need to confide in your parents about these incidents of rape so they can be strong with you, pray for and with you, and guide you.  Let them work with you and not against you, by putting pressure on you to marry.  Do not be ashamed about what happened to you.  Get healing by coming out of your closet about it.  The only person that should be hiding for shame is the one who rapes and not the victim.  Remember, they can’t help you if they don’t know.  And if you keep hiding, you will continue to live in shame, when you have nothing to be ashamed of.

I wish you all the best.

Sincerely, Ufuoma.

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6 replies »

  1. Wonderful advice! I’ll also add that the lady should be careful not to “display” certain emotions just to draw the other guy’s attention… With continued prayers and patience, the right guy would find her. Amen

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Abuse and rape are such sensitive issues. The reader took a bold and necessary step in seeking help.

    A rape victim is highly vulnerable and depending on the nature of the experience, will usually be self conscious. It seems like she believes she needs to be in a relationship to validate her person but at the same time doesn’t want to be physical. In today’s world where sex before has become the norm, it is an obvious conflict for her.

    She needs to believe in and love her self first. A mate is complimentary not the essence of her existence.

    It is great to know she has a relationship with God. I agree with you that she needs to nurture that relationship. The peace and fulfillment she needs to fill the void of love and loneliness can only come from God.

    I do pray and hope that she heals completely and uses her story to encourage other girls.

    Thanks Ufuoma(sorry for the long comment 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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