Issues of Life

Wretched Human That I Am

For we know that the law is spiritual: but I am carnal, sold under sin.
For that which I do I allow not: for what I would, that do I not; but what I hate, that do I.
If then I do that which I would not, I consent unto the law that it is good.
Now then it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me.
For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present with me; but how to perform that which is good I find not.
For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do.
Now if I do that I would not, it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me.
I find then a law, that, when I would do good, evil is present with me.
For I delight in the law of God after the inward man:
But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members.
O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death? 

I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then with the mind I myself serve the law of God; but with the flesh the law of sin” (Romans 7:14-25).

Sometimes, well going on quite often actually, I feel like the biggest hypocrite in the world!  I know the Truth.  I know the right things to do and to say in almost any situation, because I have known the Wisdom and Love of God.

Yet, when faced with these real life situations, I rescind from the Cross.  I rescind from love.  For fear, I seek to preserve myself.  For pride, I seek to exalt myself.  For lust, I seek to gratify myself!  And I realise, I haven’t forsaken all

It is a constant battle and a shameful realisation, when I realise that, once again, God is calling me to sacrifice something I still hold dear.  God is calling me to deny myself, and bear my Cross, as He did His.  God is calling me to love with wild abandon…a love that knows no fear, but only His power!

At these times, He asks me, “where is your faith?”  And all I can do is weep.  For my mouth does boast many things, but my humanity is hard to shed!

I still hunger.  I still thirst.  I still need comfort.  I still worry about temporal things, though I know the God who owns all things, who clothes the flowers and feeds the birds, and promises to clothe and feed me if I will concentrate on doing His will.  I still doubt.

And then there are the times I get angry!  Oh, Lord Jesus.  The words I speak…  The words I wrestle to control that I may not utterly reveal the evil that still resides in my heart.  How have You known all my wickedness and still love me…and still believe in me?

I am realising that the more I know You, the more I know I have been and am wrong.  You do not just speak of love, You are Love!  You do not simply utter wise sayings, You are Wisdom!  And I am soooo far from being all those things in which I believe and profess.  I am so far from being right.

Lord, thank You for Your mercy that bears with my wretchedness.  Thank You for Your patience in continually teaching me these truths time and again, and helping me to see that they are not merely theory…  Until I practice them and live them fully everyday, my life will know no true transformation.  Thank You for Your gracious empowerment to do right, in those few instances when I win the battle against my Flesh!

Oh, Lord, we will get there, because I am not going to give up.  And I know that You will never give up on me.  Your love is enough!  Your grace is sufficient!  Your power will see me through.

I believe.  I believe in You.  And I will dust off my shame, forsake my pride, hold to faith and follow You all the way.  Until I too am Love.

Not as though I had already attained, either were already perfect: but I follow after, if that I may apprehend that for which also I am apprehended of Christ Jesus.  Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 3:12-14).

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4 replies »

  1. Thanks ma’am, for me I have been doing a study on Jesus’ birth, how Mary’s surrendered her all without question, she surrendered her will, plans and all to be used by God and sometimes I say like Mary ‘I am the Lord’s handmaiden, be it unto me according to your word’ but the saying is different from the doing. May God help us.


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