Issues of Life

Scared Of Myself…


Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, except it abide in the vine; no more can ye, except ye abide in me” (John 15:4).

Last week Thursday, I published a response post (it’s deleted now), following a post by another lady on another platform (I won’t link it – no need), who I felt had been targeting me.  That day, I knew there was a better way to respond to this “attack”, but I wanted to do it my way…and I felt justified because, Jesus isn’t a pushover…  Yeah, it went along that reasoning.  There is such as thing as righteous indignation, after all…

Before I even began to write my post, my rant had began in my head.  And the Lord was cautioning me.  Several times, He asked if I loved the girl.  I would just laugh.  Love wasn’t what I was feeling, love wasn’t what I wanted.  I actually didn’t want to entertain His talk of love.  I just wanted to give it to her.

I said, “Lord, please stop restraining me.  Let me!!!”  I thought to myself, how bad can it be?  Let’s see where this goes…  If it doesn’t work out, it’s another lesson learned.

After I wrote it, I was on high!  I felt so good about myself, even though there was still a nagging feeling that I would regret it.  But what had happened was, I had given the devil a foothold, and he took me for a ride that day.

After I gave in to my will to be angry, my rage continued to soar throughout the day, and I returned to the original post to respond to comments.  I was emotional, and didn’t seem to be able to control my anger anymore.  By the time the lady responded to one of my comments, and said that her post hadn’t been targeted at me (even though I was sure it was, and that she would say that), I was embarrassed.  For the first time, I thought – “What if I’m wrong???”

Funny how that thought never entered my mind before that.  Initially, I wanted to fight it.  I had already began, and published my post…so I better stick to it, and make a good case for it!  As I wrote back to her, the Spirit ministered to me and humbled me.  My way wasn’t working out well at all…  In fact, I was doing a good job of destroying the good work I had been doing on that site for the last year!  Not to mention, tainting my image among my followers who read my response post, and couldn’t understand why I would respond that way.

I eventually agreed to take the post down, and give her the benefit of the doubt and apologised.  She wrote a private message to me on the platform, to further push her point that she didn’t have me in mind when writing her post, and that that was simply her style of writing.  However, she didn’t neglect to lace the message with insults and threats.  She thought I was a victim wannabe, and I became scared.  Had I really made myself a target…by getting on her radar?

Of all the things I was scared about, I was most scared of myself!  I was scared of what pride would make me do.  Of what hatred and fear would make me do.  Here I was, given a little test of humility, and I failed.  What if I had been seriously confronted with evil..?  What if I had been attacked physically..?  Would I be able to withhold myself from responding accordingly, or would I put off Christ, as I had done that day, and fight like I had something to prove..?

Imagine being taunted.  Being mocked.  Being insulted.  And you know they’re wrong.  You know that if you applied yourself, you could probably give them a good match.  You know what you’re capable of….  But you can’t show them.  Because it wouldn’t help them…  Neither will it serve your purpose.

Jesus did that, when they wrongfully judged Him, and He took the punishment for our sins, and bore the scorge on the Cross.  They were wrong.  He could have defeated them.  He could have resisted them and delivered Himself.  But that wouldn’t have helped them…nor served His purpose.

They would have expected that.  They didn’t expect His sacrifice nor His love.  And they wouldn’t understand it for many more years to come.  But He did it, because He is both Wisdom and Love.  They couldn’t see, but He could!

The Lord shared something with me that I shared on The Oracle, a couple of weeks ago.  It was short.  He said “My Power is in Humility!“.  So simple, yet so succinct.  And it was funny because, He said that in response to me wondering what I would do if people questioned my faith, and how I wished I could show them God’s power by doing some great miracle!  Well, I remembered that…AFTER the whole fiasco.  And I was sad.

I also remembered that without Jesus, I can do nothing!  That there is no good in me.  No righteousness in me.  I am simply a vessel, which can be used for good or evil.  And if I won’t surrender myself to be used by Jesus, the devil will certainly take up shop, and use and destroy me!!!  So, my decision to give in to the Wisdom of Christ each day is for my own sanity.  There is no wisdom, righteousness, love nor goodness apart from Him.

Yes, I learnt a lesson from this fiasco.  But it wasn’t a lesson I didn’t already know.  I only became more aware of how desperately I need Jesus.  I would have learnt that lesson and more, if I had abided in Him, as He called and taught me to.  Imagine what great plan He would have wrought through me, if I had obeyed Him.  Now, I wonder about the great damage I have done, and the time I have lost by doing things my way…

I’m back on track, now.  The Lord has got a hold of me.  And I know that there’s already a solution to the problem I caused.  And I look forward to learning more from Christ my Saviour.  My Mentor.  My Inspiration.  My Joy!

Photo credit: http://www.iamandrei.wordpress.com

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4 replies »

  1. We’ve all been there and all have the T-Shirt to prove it. Just keep moving forward. I know you have a hard time with grace so this will fit perfectly. Titus 2:11-12 says the grace of God that brings salvation teaches us… Grace is a teacher. That means we will make mistakes along the way. Grace will help us to learn from those mistakes so that we may live holy, righteous, and godly.

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    • Thanks dear… Not kicking myself anymore. I know the Lord is gracious. That same day, He reconciled me to Himself. It is just men who continue to judge and hold grudges long after… So consequences remain even after redemption.

      Thanks for sharing the Scripture 🙂

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      • I understand fully what you went through and sometimes I do also want to have my own way and really show my adversaries that I am a match for them. At that moment my God given humility flies out of the window and pride immersifies. The aim is to focus on Christmas and remain in his love that will guarantee his humility

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