Issues of Life

Reader Questions: She’s Changed! Should I Stay Or Let It Go?


Dear Ufuomaee,

good morning. I’m an ardent reader of your write up on Lagos and naked convo. God bless you for the good works. Amen. I’m a young academic. I was not in a relationship for five years. why? university sweetheart broke my heart and got married. and the desire to focus on my carrier. meanwhile I was praying for a life partner all through the years. in September last year. a former university female friend and I started chatting. I’ve always liked her. we talked and talked. she was not in a relationship and so we gelled. it was all bliss all through last year. she informed her parents and I have met them. I haven’t changed towards her. but she has. she doesn’t call. pick my calls or acknowledge my missed calls. she is comfortable not hearing from me and she’ll assume iam fine etc. I have pointed her attention to it severally and yet no significant improvement. and this was a lady that was talking about marriage. she says her problems is not emotional but psychological. she is yet to get a job but she is managing somewhere. please advise me. I have asked for a breakup if that’s what she Wanted. she said no. she wants me. no other guy elsewhere too. she wants more time and wants me to be patient. I’m a Christian. I’m confused

Dear Reader,

You have quite a dilemma there. I like that she has admitted that she has a problem, and has identified it as psychological. It could be that she is burdened and stressed with not having a job, or not being where she hoped she would be in life.

It doesn’t, however, justify her to treat you badly, and her refusal to return your calls and messages is really sending off the wrong message. She is confused, and now you are too. The best case scenario is that she really is struggling to keep things together, and needs you to be understanding and patient and support her until things iron out for her.  The worst case scenario is that she is lying, and is actually divided in her interest, and maybe seeing someone else or other people. She might be keeping her options open, and is really not ready to commit.

For me, timing is important. I wouldn’t say it is everything, but timing helps us to know the will of God. Your timing is off. You guys are out of sync. You need what she cannot give, and you seem to be giving what she doesn’t appreciate. If you continue like this, you will miss God, as you continue to force something that is not coming together naturally.

She really doesn’t need to keep you on lock down if she isn’t ready to treat you right. If you accept bad treatment from a girlfriend before marriage, you will receive worse in marriage. If she needs a friend, through this time, be a friend to her… But you might have to accept that she’s not your wife.

Don’t be hasty to see somebody else or get into another relationship. I think you should let go of the idea of getting married in whatever time frame you have set for yourself mentally. I think that might be stressing you out. You said you’ve been waiting and praying for a partner for a while now, and it appears that you are a bit desperate. And perhaps she was throwing signals or showing signs that she wasn’t as eager before, and you missed them, and now, she has just shut down.

You never have to force these things. When it is time, it is time. When it is right, it is right. And if you are surrendered to God, you will know if He is calling you to abide or persevere in a particular relationship. If you can’t hear His voice or perceive His leading, then you are not following Him, and so are in danger of making a foolish decision because of your own flesh and passions.

You need to forsake your way and ask God to show you the way…and learn to walk as the Spirit leads.  He won’t lead you to confusion.  His way is peace.

So my advice is let her go. Be a friend to her, but stop expecting more. Even if she’s saying with her mouth she doesn’t want a break up, actions speak louder than words. Read the signs, pick up your heart and move on. When she is ready, she will realise that you were not pining in waiting for her. If she texts or calls, kindly respond. If she wants to act like you are still together, simply tell her that you’ve decided to move on, and you hope you can be friends.

If however, you really love her, and her renewed interest is stirring up passionate feelings for her, then take it back to God to enquire into His will. But you have to let her go. Don’t hold her tightly. If she is yours, she will come to her senses and make amends…but don’t live in expectation of this. I hope this helps.

The Reader responded with more information that clarified the real situation of things.  To summarise, he wrote:

Thank you for your objective and spiritual assessment and also for the sisterly advice. As it is now, I called her and I bared my mind to her. She cried and cried. Everybody is complaining about her. Her parents and siblings. All complaining about her attitude etc. Now she wasn’t like that before. She was very bubbly when we started. Since Nov. We’ve been on the job issue. It’s has not yield anything result so far. Initially she took it with faith, full of hope. But gradually she started to loose it. Became withdrawn to everyone and everything.until mid March when she got placement somewhere, but the pay isn’t encouraging.

She begged me to give her another chance. She promised she was going to woo me afresh and that I deserved better etc.she is been calling and texting. Now, I’m not going to except much from her like you advised.

About marriage, I’m not in a hurry. She started talking about it early this year. Because her younger sister’s got engaged. My answer was affirmative.  My concern is this: I have a lot of ladies frolicking around me. Church, neighborhood and workplace. And they do these things easily (care, calls etc). I don’t double date. I’m a one way man. I made it clear to them that I’m already in a relationship.

My girlfriend and I leave in different cites. I don’t do anything with these ladies o. I don’t give them bad signals too. But they call and care for me ( or Rather appear so). Bottom line is I feel I’m cheating on my girlfriend already.

I see her all the time in the affirmative in my spirit. I’ll wait for you to comment on this. I have asked God to scatter it severally if it’d kill me and make me sad. I been through a lot and I have kept myself. I want a good marriage. I’m ready to move on if its God’s will

My Response:

What you have shared has revealed more about the situation, and it seems that your girlfriend is going through a trying time right now, and I believe it is also a trying time for you.  If you love her, with your heart, and you see her as your wife, then go through this trial with her, and patiently wait for her, encourage her and give her grace. Support her the best way you can, and one of those is by being understanding and lowering your expectations until the trial ends.

Keep praying through this. Pray for her, pray for yourself. And stay in tune with God’s leading. It may be His will for you to support her at this time, but it may not be His will for you to marry her eventually. As long as you stay surrendered to Him, you will not be taken, and you will be sure when it is time to say “I do”.

As for the other women… they will always be there! Even if your girl was at her best, they will be there! Like Jesus said, “you will always have the poor with you”. Same with temptation. And that is all they are. Giving them any more attention than is due is basically losing faith and sight of God.  Don’t give them needless space. Be courteous and true, and learn to abide as you are, in Christ.

I pray that God will make His will clearer to you, and He will grant grace and faith to your girlfriend so that she will not fall in this trial, but grow in love and wisdom. She needs to see that it is a trial of faith, and she needs to have courage and faith and love, and not be in despair. She needs to refocus, and you can help her by being faithful and loving.

I hope this helps!

Sincerely, Ufuoma.

Photo credit:  www.kellyseal.com

Got Questions?  Email me@ufuomaee.com

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3 replies »

  1. When Faith and Love stand trial it is no easy task. I’m there now, waiting for the end. God bless, thanks for sharing. I still love her, always will ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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