Issues of Life

Reader Questions: I’ve Never Been In A Relationship. Is There Something Wrong With Me?

The following correspondence happened via WhatsApp, over a couple of days, and there was some back and forth to ascertain what the real issue was.  The conversation has been shared with permission by the lady concerned.

Good evening Ufuomaee. I’ve a problem and I really need a matured mind to talk to. I will be 22 this year and I’ve never being in any relationship before. It started bothering me lately when a friend keep making me feel less of a person cos I confided in him than I’ve never been in a relationship before. Not that guys don’t ask me out..they do..but I just don’t like them. I even lied that am currently in a relationship just to get them off my back. But you know the weird thing, I feel bad when I see them get into other relationships and a bit jealous too. Even guys that I admire, I just get turned off when they seek for relationship…I just don’t know…the admiration just flew out…I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

Trust me….I love LOVE, I read your stories and pray to God for a beautiful love story too. I just feel something is wrong with me. Q friend just asked yesterday ‘don’t you even want to know how it feels’. I pretend to be immune but really I want to love and be loved back. Please help me!!!

Ufuoma: How’s your relationship with God?

Reader: It’s good. Am not where I want to be. But I really love God and I ensure am devoted to the things of God.

Ufuoma: It sounds to me that there’s nothing wrong with you, dear.  But, what about your earthly Father?  How is your relationship with him?

Reader: It’s fyn. Not really the close type though. But still he tries to tell we his girls to talk to him about anything as he’s a trained psychologist. But…for me, I don’t get to tell him everything. He tries…really. But he has mood swings, so anything I talk and his response isn’t welcoming. I just decide to keep to myself. But really…. My Dad tries

Ufuoma: Okay. Do you have brothers?

Reader: No. All girls. But I have male cousins am close to.

Ufuoma: Okay, cool. Can I know if you’re still a virgin?

Reader: Yes. I am.

Ufuoma: Okay…  The only thing I might say is that you don’t have a strong positive male figure in your life, and so the idea of being involved with one romantically is not as desirable as perhaps other girls with strong male figures in their life.  But it doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you, or that when you meet a good one or even Mr Right, you won’t know. Do you know what you want in a man? What qualities attract you to a man?

Reader: Yes I do.

*Loves God
*Responsible and Intelligent
*Someone who can lead and make me achieve my vision
*Has to be my friend…someone I feel comfortable with.
*Loves family
*someone who will see me as a partner

Ufuoma: Great!  Do you have male friends in your life that fit this bill?

Reader: Hmmm. Yes I do.

Ufuoma: Who?  If more than one, how many?

Reader: About 3. Two of my friends and my older cousin

Ufuoma: Okay, that’s good.  Well, I think you are doing good.  You love God.  You’re concerned to please Him.  You have healthy relationships with men.  You know what you want in a man.  You can identify men who you find attractive because of these qualities.  And you’re wise enough not to say “yes” to just anybody.  You are not craving male attention and appear to be content in yourself.

Problem is you are letting peer pressure and ignorant people upset your vision.  Keep your eyes on God.  Maintain good wholesome relationships with as many Christian, God-fearing men, who have the good sense to befriend you.  Don’t be quick to think any of them is your spouse.  Be more concerned about enjoying your singleness, growing deeper in God and fulfilling your purpose.  Your husband, if he is following God, will not miss you!

Reader: Amen!!!! Thank you ma.

Ufuoma: Don’t worry about what others are doing.  Men worry in vain.  God makes things happen.  We just have to love Him more and TRUST Him enough.  You’re fine dear.  But work on that relationship with your Dad.  If there are issues there, it might help you fine tune the kind of person you would love to spend your life with 🙂

Reader: I will. Thank you. But…don’t you think it’s a problem when a guy who I admire and wish we could date, come to ask me out, I will decline and it will even affect the friendship as I will try reduce communication with such persons?

Ufuoma: Well, my questions are… When did this happen?  How old were you?  Why did you say ‘no’?  Is the guy a Believer and passionate about Christ?

Reader: Yes…they are. It happened last year.

Ufuoma: So, why did you say no?  What reason did you give yourself and him?

Reader: I don’t know. Really! I just stopped liking him. Had to even claim am in a relationship to get him off. That’s the issue.

Ufuoma: You liked him before, and then when he asked, you stopped liking him and grew distant from him?  And it wasn’t because he did anything to offend you or show you that he wasn’t what you thought he was?

Could it be that you are a shy person?  Do you prefer your own company?  Are you afraid of social gatherings and pressure to relate?  Do you have one or more best friends?

Reader: Am shy. I prefer my own company. I have friends…but not really close ones. I just feel like am guiding myself, against what is what I don’t know.  Am not really the outgoing type. I feel like am scared of letting someone in…letting someone know everything about me.

Ufuoma: Okay…well that could be why you said ‘no’.  It’s something you can work on with the help of the Holy Spirit.  Love conquers fear.  Someone approached me about a similar issue last year.  I will share my counsel to them…  Read this post:

Reader: Alright. Thank you so much for letting me talk to you. It has really help. God bless you.

Ufuoma: Thanks for reaching out!  Don’t feel bad that you need to work on yourself.  We all do.  But don’t hasten to enter a relationship because of pressure.  Learn to be guided by God.  In all things.  May God help you as you sincerely work on this with His Holy Spirit.

Would you mind if I use our correspondence in my Reader Questions series?

Reader:  Yes please, but I plead anonymity.

Ufuoma: Always 🙂

Reader: Thanks!

Hello ma. I still have a question. I believe you really have to like a person to want to go into a relationship with them…but someone told me you go into a relationship and then you grow to like you work on them, because accordingly to her, that’s what she did.

Ufuoma: Okay…  Someone else asked me about that same thing.  Let me find the post for you.  This is it:

Reader: Thank you so much ma. This really makes me feel better. It shows am no alone.


Well, I hope reading this helped someone else.  I was of two minds about sharing it, because she shared a lot about herself, but I think if it benefits at least one person, then it is a good share.  God bless you all!

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2 replies »

  1. Good evening good people
    I don’t think anything is wrong with her just like you have rightly said
    I think she’s my type of person because I also experienced same. Initially I misinterpreted it just as she is doing but when I prayed and took time to observe myself, I found out that I’m perfectly fine.
    The answer is that she is a chosen vessel (God has chosen you) and when God chooses, He gives you pattern. find out what He wants you to be. I’m speaking from experience now. He doesn’t want you to make a mistake in this kind of relationship. The moment you see the right man, you’ll definitely know him. You will recognize him.
    When God was done with me in this same way, I wrote my first book “IN THE MIDST OF CONFUSION”. Remain blessed

    Liked by 1 person

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