I haven’t always been a pessimist. I used to be optimistic. In fact, I’ve always been an idealist and a dreamer, so I don’t get this pessimistic side to me. All I know is, I expect the worst, and when good things happen to me, I am more likely to be suspicious than joyful! Hence the title of this little piece.
You see, I recently got engaged. Here I am getting my dream guy, after finding my life’s purpose in my chosen career. Life really couldn’t be better. I am happy. But I am also scared.
I am a Christian, I am not supposed to be afraid. I’m supposed to have faith such that even in the midst of negative circumstances, I am positive. But here in the midst of positive changes, I am negative. Mind you, not because I want to be, but just because my understanding about life is that – it just isn’t fair! So, here I am expecting the worst.
I can preach a good sermon about faith, hope and love, but when it comes to living it, I am a novice. Have you ever prayed for something, and heard your own doubt like “Yeah right, I’m not really holding my breath on that one”! It’s not as though you don’t want good things to happen to you, it’s just that you’re more comfortable without such high expectations.
The fall is that less painful when you’re already prepared for it, and hanging by the bottom. Going up higher is just too frightening. Sure, you might be happy forever. You might get what you want and more. But there’s that horrible pain IF it all comes crashing down. And the worst thing is that, the statistics are not in your favour. So why the unrealistic expectations?
I know all the right things to say to talk myself out of this negative mindset, but it is just so comfortable that I return to it every time. There are those who are only happy under stressful situations. In such situations, they exercise their ability to control, organise and fix. Once the issue is fixed or resolved, they are miserable or bored until the next challenge. I think they are the drama queens/kings, to whom I share relations. Things going well without our hard work and sweat just doesn’t make sense to us. In the perpetual state of panic, there is comfort in knowing that you are right – that life does indeed suck!
What can I say? I am not proud of my mindset, but understanding the way I think gives me much freedom. I am able to correct the thinking and intentionally think positive thoughts. I like that my partner is the opposite to me in this regard. My negativity never seems to bring him down, but I am inspired by his positivity. He reminds me of a place I used to be, when I saw the best in situations and allowed myself to believe anything was possible. If I can make it from engagement to marriage without self sabotage, I know I’ll be happy with him – dare I say it – forever!
Photo credit: http://www.frontpagemag.com
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