Issues of Life

Reader Questions: Is It A Sin To Kiss My Boyfriend Before Marriage?


“Dear Ufuomaee,

Good day ma, ur blog blesses and inspires me so much, may God bless u. Please I need advice.

I haven’t dated in such a while cos i didnt want to rush it like i rushed my first one. Then this dude comes along and in all honesty, he’s amazing for the most part he’s shown me. He has said countless times how he wants to be serious with me and all that. We are not dating yet cos right now we are in separate locations, we’re praying abt it and we are simply taking things slow.

The issue of sex has been brought up and it is a HUGE NO on both sides but he recently just insisted that if he doesnt kiss me while we are dating then we wont move ahead to us dating and all that.

That just doesnt seem fair because he made me fall in love with him and all that and i would never choose him over God by compromising but i just feel so pained. What do i do?”

Dear Reader,

Thanks so much for getting in touch and seeking to confide in me.  I am not the final authority on how you should go about your relationship, so you still need to pray and be guided by God in your decision.  His Spirit, which dwells in you, will let you know what is contrary to His love.

You are also the best judge of your situation because you have so much information that it not available to me.  I don’t know how you met this guy, I don’t what what he truly believes about anything, only what you have shared, so I can’t tell you whether or not he is the right person for you, or if you should move forward with dating him.

I think some expression of love and intimacy is important, but you will have to be the one to draw the line.  Most certainly, we know that fornication, which is sexual intercourse outside of marriage, is not to the cards, but there are some things that you will also need to stay clear away from to miminise the risk of one or both of you being pushed over the edge and being no longer able to restrain yourselves.

I personally think kissing is okay.  Even kissing with tongue.  But you can decide at which point you decide to kiss, and the nature of the kiss.  If you can maintain this, without doing much else in your courtship – not dating – then you should be able to grow in intimacy without crossing the line for your wedding night.  While dating my husband, I remember withholding kissing for the first three months. By the time we introduced kissing, we were in courtship, because we both knew we were headed for marriage.

Pray and be led by God.  Prevention is better than cure, so if you don’t have the discipline to keep it only at kissing, and if he seems to want to cross the line, you may need to reconsider whether kissing is something you can handle, in order to keep from fornicating.

The other thing is, he really needs to lead the way in this.  It shows his own commitment to God, and also his ability to restrain himself and be faithful to you in marriage.  If he’s having a hard time controlling himself, you may need to consider whether he is able to lead you in marriage.  If you don’t think marriage is on the cards for you guys, then it’s best you call it off sooner rather than later.

I wish you all the best with this!  Do feel free to let me know how it goes.

Have a lovely day!

Sincerely, Ufuoma.

PLEASE NOTE THAT CORRECTIONS HAVE BEEN MADE TO MY COUNSEL ON THIS POST.  CLICK HERE TO READ MY REVISED POSITION ON PRE-MARITAL KISSING.

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Got questions?  Email me@ufuomaee.com.

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5 replies »

  1. “That just doesnt seem fair because he made me fall in love with him and all that”

    How did he make you anything? Are you not responsible for your own actions?

    “you may need to consider whether he is able to lead you in marriage.”

    Really no need for him to lead you. You are capable of thinking for yourself and acting accordingly. I’d say sit down and reflect on what’s important to you. If you’re not comfortable kissing, then tell your BF that and explain why. It may be that it isn’t going to work out for you, but at least you will both have the opportunity to be honest about your feelings.

    Besides all that, I feel for the guy. If my lady said an imaginary, invisible entity came before me, I’d be heartbroken.

    Like

    • Thanks for sharing your perspective as an Atheist. I’m sure they both exalt God above each other as Christians, and her boyfriend will understand that he can’t come between her and God, anymore than she can come between him and God.

      Cheers, Ufuoma.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Thanks for your sincere advice. However, I didnt try any of these in my time, because we were advised to go on the lane of prevention, we delibrately avoided it. Also, we were told that whatever thing we cannot comfortably do in presence of brethren, should not be indulge in. But it didnt rule out strong longing o. And the wedding night was… ummm.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Lol! Well, that principle of “whatever thing we cannot comfortably do in the presence of brethren” is a little tricky. It means even married couples can’t have sex, because you can’t do it in the presence of brethren comfortably. Oh, and does that also make farting a sin, seeing as it’s impolite to do so in the presence of others?

      But I hear you. The Bible says, “if our hearts condemn us, God is greater than our hearts and knows all things”. I think it boils down to weak/strong faith, where some people are not comfortable doing things they are free to do, because they are weary that it can easily be corrupted and lead to sin or that it is sin. But Paul says, “all things are lawful for me, but not all things are expedient”. It remains that “whatever is not done of faith is sin”, so each person should act in good conscience with regards to this.

      In the case of fornication, which is defined as sexual intercourse between two people who are not married to each other, the Bible is explicit on that. But we should be careful to add rules of do not, touch not, look not to the Bible and heap burdens on ourselves and others. The Holy Spirit is able to lead us all and grant us wisdom to do what is right in each occasion.

      Thanks for sharing your view, I appreciate it!

      Sincerely, Ufuoma.

      Like

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