Issues of Life

Reader Questions: I Don’t Love Him… Does That Matter?

Dear Ufuomaee,

“hello ma, this has been bothering me for sometimes now. It is kinda complicated. without making much fuss! I want to know if i really need to start a relationship on the basis of love,or I just needed to push n love will grow over time. I asked because I ended my four years relationship two weeks ago. I didn’t love him when we started n I clear to him but he was not bothered, he just wanted me to be his g.friend,while this was no lack of affection from my side, he pushed on,but along d line, I started loving him. long story short. it still doesn’t work. til now,he still calls to tell me,he hears his heart beat loudly weneva, he realises we broke up n he is in pain.(I feel no sorry,cos I know a broken rel is better than broken marriage). what even prompted this question is that 3days ago, I started another relationship, I don’t love him too not that I don’t like him but (I don’t know how to explain that) I don’t know if love will grow between (I always hear people say love grows,I don’t know if it grows like grass or something) pls lemme add dis,the new guy is a born again xtian, mature physically, spiritually n financially compared to my previous guy, so I was thinking maybe this factors can serve as manure n water to make it growth. if they r not necessary factors, lemme know so I can cut it before it materialized. and lastly, I have not been in love with any guy in my life,or maybe d one I could love hasn’t come to me, I don’t really understand, if I am being rigid or selective, or maybe something is wrong with me, or maybe I have not just met d man God made for me. I am not just happy with this,it makes me loose focus on marriage. I guess I can be happily single for life. thanks for reading to the end ma,I apologise for the long epistle, i hope I make any sense,”

Dear Reader,

Your concerns are indeed valid. I don’t think people fall in love within minutes of meeting, or even after a few dates…but they should within a reasonable amount of time, maybe a couple of months, otherwise, it is quite unlikely that they are genuinely attracted to each other or compatible. This is my honest opinion, though it may not be widely accepted.

It is good to give it time before you decide that there’s no emotional bond between you.  But I think the better thing to do is to be single, and allow yourself to have several male friends, who are MATURE Christians.  It isn’t the first mature Christian you meet that will be the one for you.  Try to surround yourself with mature Christians, so that you will be able to know who you have a special connection with, not simply because you admire their faith, but because you bond on many levels.  Sometimes, because they are so rare, we can fall for the first one we see who seems strong in the faith, and compromise because a good man is hard to find.

I’m glad that you’re open to the idea of singleness for life.  I am not saying you shouldn’t desire marriage, but because it is forsaken, you are more likely to make the right decision than someone who is obsessed with the idea of getting married.  If you’re not feeling it with this guy, and you’ve been dating for up to two months, I’d suggest, rather than string him along, you let him know your true feelings, and your desire to wait in singleness for the right person.

If he is happy to stay friends, that would be good.  You may find that without the pressure of falling in love, you actually do fall for him…  But try to keep your focus on God, and learn to discern His voice.  It is the single most important thing that will help you to make the right decision!  If you can discern God’s voice, you will know when He is speaking against you own desires, and when He is confirming your choice.  Learn to heed His direction now, and you will save yourself heartache and headache in marriage.

I hope that helps!

Sincerely, Ufuoma.

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9 replies »

  1. One thing I need to grab… do they ask for your hand in marriage as soon as they appear in your life? If no, why bother yourself about whether you are falling in love or not. Just be friendly, appreciate the closeness, and most especially, be open to several other friendship among the brethren. Don’t allow any man be the ‘special one’ until God convince you so.


  2. You’ve said a whole lot of truth on this and There’s a whole lot of explanation sha… But let me add that … We are all not wired in the same way… So our definition and expectation as to what love is differs… Especially what its not…

    Being in relationship with a guy who loves… Or is already in love with you when you are not will only be keeping the guy expectant for such a long time…. And sometimes love is beyond our reasons and reasoning…. We might want to be logical about it, saying he must be this or that, but it blows us away most times. The type of guy she is expecting might not be the type of guy her nature is attracted to… I think I has to do with something about compatibility? Some people believe all emotions should be checked.. And controlled …. If she falls into that class she might even be preventing herself unknown to herself from being in love with any particular guy (especially now that he has admitted he loves her)… If she makes more friends (male), better for her in the long run.. She might just find one that she loves and has a love that resonates…
    But I don’t think she should punish the guy by being in a relationship when she doesn’t love him o…. I know love grows sometimes but.. Better they be friends… And even better still if she is not an open person she should try opening up…. As I said so many sides to this coin…. 😴😴😴😴😴😴😱

    Expectation delayed makes the heart weary…. They guy might get tired and heart broken from waiting…. 😴

    Liked by 2 people

  3. keeping focus on God, and learning to discern His voice is the single most important thing that helps to make the right decision! Discerning God’s voice, will make one knows when He is speaking against our own desires, and when He is confirming our choice. #knowing God is just the goal!!!. I have a testimony to that effect..

    Liked by 1 person

  4. If you don’t love someone, don’t get into a relationship with them!
    Love isn’t a feeling, although good feelings help. Love is a decision, a commitment to be faithful to someone whether you feel like it or not. The Bible says “love never fails”- so if it fails, it wasn’t reciprocal love in the first place.


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