Issues of Life

The Spotlight: Why Moving In With Your Partner Before Marriage Might Actually Make Sense

Hey, did I get your attention with that title?  It grabbed my attention too.  It is written by a lady who I love to read from.  She has a really sharp mind, and I love the way she tackles issues, only that, we usually end up on opposite sides on the debate.  She’s a critical thinker and an amazing writer, and so, I appreciate that about her!

Oh, I skipped my introduction!  I’m not that great at this presenter approach, am I?  Well, welcome to this week’s edition of The Spotlight!  I hope you enjoyed the piece I shared with you last week.  It was about “judging”, and whether or not to do so.

This week’s episode is going to be a little different.  I’ll be sharing quite a bit of commentary on the post, because the bottom line is that, as a Christian, I cannot support it, but I appreciate the debate, and I thought there might be other Christians who have justified this lifestyle for the same reasons as the Authour.

Okay, let me introduce the Authour, Miss O, she calls herself, and she blogs at  That says a lot already :).  I found her post on The Naked Convos, so we must give them their dues for sharing it!   Her tagline there is “MissO is my alter-ego; the person I really am but afraid to be. I write to escape. I write to be free. But above all, I write to be me…

Alright, to the main subject matter: Why Moving In With Your Partner Before Marriage Might Actually Make Sense.  I invite you to go over there, read and share your comments as you see fit.  Here’s an excerpt:

“When we are dating someone, especially someone we really like and foresee a future with, we are the best person we can be. No one starts out wanting to show their warts, their bad habits, their imperfections. We put our best foot forward. Because we want this person to like us too. We play up our great sides and try to hide our not-so-great sides; at least until we trust the person not to judge us by our flaws.

A girl might go visit her boyfriend on a Saturday afternoon, stopping by the market on her way there, to get a few things for a meal. She cooks something that he finds finger-lickin’ good and because it’s not her house, she tidies up the kitchen and leaves it spic and span, because (a) it’s the right thing to do; you don’t mess up someone’s kitchen and leave it that way, even if you’ve just made him a meal. And (b) she doesn’t want him to think she’s untidy, even though she knows she can be sometimes.”

I shared two main comments in the comments section, but I’m posting them here too.  I joined them together, so that my points are better communicated.  Sorry, it’s long!  (You know me…  LOL!).


Alright, I can totally see the merits to your arguments here, and I understand and appreciate them.  I have also thought that to myself often.  And the truth of the matter is, without religion, there would be no need for marriage (in my opinion) today.  And many people would be better off without the pressure to marry anyway…

Marriage was made for holiness. It is a holy undertaking, and not something people should expect to succeed at without the grace of God, whether explicit or implicit. Hence, when people say their wedding vows, they wisely include “so help me God”!

So, I completely agree with you that in today’s world, and for people who do not honor God nor marriage, that cohabitation is a good alternative.  In fact, it’s quite fantastic in many ways.  Marriage is not something that should be entered lightly, and if you don’t honour it nor believe in abstaining until you get into it, why would you subject yourself to it?

But, going on your reasoning for why cohabitation is good as a precursor to marriage, I wondered if that could be extended to bearing and raising children, and living together…with plans to eventually marry.  Once couples have children, their lives change dramatically, and not usually for the better.  It is often worse before it gets better!  And it is then they really get to know themselves (what they are made of, not even their spouse!).

So, if sampling the environs of marriage in cohabitation is a good idea, why stop there?  Would you try to have a child out of wedlock, to see if you guys can survive this new addition to your lives?  And let’s say you did have a baby, and then, it didn’t work out… Do you see yourself doing that with MULTIPLE partners in one lifetime?  I suppose you might not.  And your reasoning will take you to the wisdom of marriage.

When you consider the possibility or the inclusion of children in a relationship, co-habitation becomes a wreckless and selfish endeavour. It is highly unwise and unloving, because children need the security and stability of a loving marriage between a man and his wife to thrive.  When you co-habit, you risk bringing them into an environment that is unstable, where they may be rejected or seen as either the cause of their parents’ misery (in cases where the man feels trapped to propose marriage) or the end of their relationship (where their arrival results in a break-up).

It really doesn’t matter if you had INTENDED to marry. You still haven’t, and are always free to change your mind about that. When a child comes into the picture, during such an indecisive relationship, they change the dynamics of such relationships, and you do not always do what you intended, because ultimately, YOU ARE FREE, which is what you wanted by not getting married!

The very worst possibility is that you risk them being MURDERED, because the woman may succumb to the man’s pressure to do away with the child through abortion, for the sake of their relationship, or the woman may be burdened to make that decision on her own to preserve their relationship or even to sever their relationship.

In co-habitation, children are not safe. They have become objects that can be discarded depending on how the parents feel in their relationship. They are pawns for manipulation, and not a joyous gift that binds the couple even closer, and brings them happiness. They are an afterthought, whereas in marriage, a home and a future is prepared for them.

Ultimately, co-habitation contradicts the wisdom of God, whether as regarding abstinence (FLEE Fornication, don’t keep the person in your space, living as married when you are not), or regarding unselfish, unconditional love and nurturing of children.

Marriage is a faith venture, and it takes true love to make that leap.  Yes, foolish people still marry and mess up their lives…  Just as foolish people still get driving licenses and wreck theirs and other people’s lives…

I can argue a good case for abstinence until marriage from a Christian perspective.  But it is really no use to suggest such to people who do not believe in God, nor choose to honour Him with obedience.

Thanks for the post.  I appreciate it for the ways it made me think, and I hope people are able to understand the issues more clearly.


Okay, now that I’ve totally laid my view out there, and you have read hers, what’s your take?  Do you think Christians can co-habit without fornicating, like she suggests?  Have your say…

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If you liked this post, you might like THE SPOTLIGHT: THREE PERSPECTIVES ON MARRIAGE

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6 replies »

  1. co- habit without fornication? That’s happens in 1 in 1000. Its better to flee like the Bible counsels. Thanks for making us see from both perspective. Good job ma. God bless you ma.


  2. My mum will say ‘The fact that everyone does something doesn’t make it right,and the fact that no one does something doesn’t make it wrong as well ‘. I appreciate the way you ironed the points but God’s NO/YES is always a straight one. I will not support Co – habiting because it’s just like giving the devil a mile in that relationship, be sure he will take 10 miles by himself. The bible says ‘Neither give place to the devil’ . Nice job ufomaee, more ink and grace.


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