Issues of Life

Reader Questions: He’s sending me mixed signals, and I’m so confused. What do I do?

This account is a summary of an audio message from a Reader.

Dear Ufuomaee

I am a 300 level student, who has never been in love.  I have had brief crushes, but nothing serious.  I am a leader in my Campus fellowship, and I recently discovered that I have feelings for another leader there.  We have been friends for a while.  We talk and hold hands, and he’s all lovey dovie with me, but he’s never said anything to me about having feelings for me.  However, when we are in fellowship together, he is stiff with me and ignores me.

The other problem is there’s another member of our fellowship who he seems to like.  He uses her name as his password and her pictures are all over his phone.  But he has never told me anything about her or their relationship.  I am trying to grow my own relationship with God, but I find myself getting jealous when I see them together, and I don’t like it.  I don’t know the girl or anything about her, but when I see her I’m not happy.  I don’t want to resent her, when she had done nothing wrong.

I’ve asked God to take away my feelings for him, but He hasn’t answered my prayer yet.  I don’t know what to do, because he is a major distraction, and I just want to grow in my faith.  It is affecting my studies and my spiritual growth.  I think about him a lot, but I don’t think he feels the same thing, I don’t know what he feels about her, and I want to stop feeling this way.

What can I do?  Please I need advise.

Dear Reader,

It seems you are already aware of the problems and the way you don’t want to feel.  Problem seems to be that you are waiting on God to take away the feelings…  If you let go, your heart will or might break, but it will heal and you will move on.  But you are the one hanging on, it seems.

This man hasn’t given you enough reason to hang on to him or be expectant of anything.  He hasn’t expressed any feelings to you, but is showing you that he is interested in someone else.  It’s hard when you like someone, and they don’t like you back, but hanging around waiting for them to is both futile and painful!

The facts will help: You are not in a relationship; You want to honour God, whether or not you are in a relationship; You are not honouring God right now, because your feelings for this man is making you have negative feelings towards another sister.  This seems like a case of a misplaced focus.  And perhaps loneliness.

Pining for a guy is not going to help you to make the right choices when it comes to relationships.  It’s a bad habit you should drop right now, and free yourself with wisdom.  Men should come after you, not you wasting away, waiting for one to take notice or love you or treat you right…  Men don’t find women who pine over men attractive.  They use them and dump them.

Rather, focus on God.  Don’t worry about the fact that you have never been in love.  I’m sure one day you will…  But you want your first real love to be your LAST real love, the one that will lead to marriage…  So use this time to grow in wisdom and discernment.  Don’t waste it worrying about a man who isn’t showing that he is worthy of your attention.

Many women and men fall in and out of love, and are miserable, because they don’t have wisdom and their focus is misplaced.  Keep yours on God.  I don’t know if you’re following me…

So, on a practical level…  DUMP HIM!  Stop hanging around with him.  If he is sending mixed signals, CUT HIM OFF!  He’s confusing you and playing with your emotions.  He’s NO GOOD!!!

You don’t need to hold a grudge.  As you dump him from your space, your mind and your heart, free him and free yourself by forgiving him for all the ways he wasted your time and emotions…  He’s probably confused himself and just trying to keep his options open.  But you are not a placeholder!!!  Let him play his games on someone else.

It will be hard to get used to not talking to him or hanging with him, but do it for your sanity.  Open yourself up to more friendships and try not to pine after any man!  Don’t think that the next guy who talks to you will be your boyfriend.  THEY SENSE THAT!  Just have friends and be cool with just being friends…and if anyone starts talking about dating or relationship, tell them you need to pray first…and pray!

Get used to talking to God now and listening to Him, so when that crucial time of discerning His will on a matter arises, you will know…  So, focus on your spiritual and social growth, and let LOVE worry about itself!  Those who LOVE finds don’t have headache. It is those who go chasing after it that do, and still miss it!

I hope this helps.

Sincerely, Ufuoma.

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10 replies »

  1. I love your reply Ufuoma especially waiting for one to take notice of you or love you. That is what i find myself doing sometimes. It is well dear. Thank you


  2. U reply was awesome,that the best thing to do cut him ur life every area its hurt but with time ur heart will heal…


  3. OK Ma, thanks, let me start by saying, I do not see this guy sending mixed signals, u r probably the one imagining things… you have feelings for this guy, n I bet, any act of kindness or gestures he shows,u r likely to read meanings to it, even though he could be doing it with no string attached… let say u smile or wink at him and he does that to u too, it could be a simple act of reciprocation… or even in your discussion, u had casually mentioned to him,u needed something and he went his way to get it for u without telling u, u r likely to be ‘wowed n sense love in the air’ all these things u can attribute them to him being lovey dovey but in actual fact he is not. so in fellowship when u wink at him n he is stiffed, probably bcos there is another sis he has interest in,
    the bottom line is, he is not playing games with u, if he is a player,he is going to do a clean job without u knowing he has interest in another sis, he will not go to the extent of using the girl’s name as his password or even stuffing his phone with the girl’s pix when he knows, u can have access to his phone, players play smart except he is a leaner though…
    the reason he probably didn’t tell u anything about the girl might be because he already sensed your interest in him, maybe he doesn’t want to hurt u, maybe he will still tell u but taking it slowly…
    you said, u want to grow your relationship with God, if u r in the process of stil ‘trying’ to grow your relationship with God, then a relationship is likely to be a way of distraction, why don’t u grow it first and learn how to hear from Him.(first thing first).
    Then, avoiding the guy might not be the solution, I mean u r in the same school,attend the same fellowship,oh! u r even both leaders in your fellowship, that means u will still see often, in fact u will still hold hands,(in fellowship o) u r not going to leave the fellowship because of this guy, so, sis in the Lord, free yourself from any grudge or ill-feelings towards him or his supposed gf. Smile when you see them, be happy with yourself, focus on getting good grades,develop a good self esteem,love your life.. no one is worth your worries, the ones who worth it ,won’t make you worry
    plus, u have never being in love, and this first one that u want to b in love with is now doing somehow again…dear, u can’t be too sure it is love, it could be an infatuation #just saying pls# I know u know when u r in love.
    Aunty Ufuo, hope I have not said too much????. that’s my kobo thought.


    • You’ve brought a completely different perspective to the issue, and it could be the case. If she’s read his kindness wrong as you say, then the issue really is about her getting her mind right. I think she still needs to create distance, since she had feelings for him and is not judging correctly. She needs to focus on God and put him out of her mind, and treat him like ANY OTHER BROTHER, and not any special brother, or as a player brother. He is just a brother she set her sights on, who’s looking else where. Remove your sights and move on, dear! Like Dami said, the one worth worrying about WON’T make you worry about his feelings for you 🙂

      Cheers, Ufuoma.


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